Tuesday, March 8, 2011

71-51

Jalen Rose, still bitter over an ass kicking in '92, defended some idiotic statements this morning on a show called First Take while promoting the Fab 5 30 for 30 movie.  Apparently Coach K wasn't knocking down Rose's door back in high school, and that made wittle Jalen weally mad  (the "w's" are needed I think).  If he and his boys could have channeled some of that hate, maybe they would've lost by only 10 instead of 20.  I can't believe there's still so much attention given to the Fab 5, considering they never existed.

It Must Be Done




From the people who brought you the Bed Intruder and are basically responsible for the auto-tune craze, the Gregory Brothers bring you Sheen. Our last post on Sheen until he kills someone.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I Think We've Seen This Before...



That's a lot of white women.


Hi, my name's Charlie too:)
As the Charlie Sheen Express continues to chug along, I am beginning to see some striking similarities between Sheen and another famous Charlie.  Apparently, I'm not the only one--some great stuff over here.  It was probably a heads-up play by the police to get Sheen's kids out of the house before Sheen and his 'goddesses' go on a murdering spree.  A judge's interest was piqued and custody of the kids was stripped after Charlie (allegedly) told his ex-wife that he would cut her head off, put it in a box, and send it to her mom.  I wonder what postage would be on sending a head through the mail. 

"Would you like insurance for this package sir?"
"Uh, yeah, I should probably do that--it's sort of a one of a kind type thing (winks)"

Friday, February 25, 2011

Drinky Bear Attacks!

Alphabet backwards please, sir.

First a disclaimer: Its Friday, so you will get two video posts and like it. Not sure why that disclaimer was necessary considering we average about .71 posts per day, although that average has been boosted big time as of late.

Ok, so this video most likely will bring back some memories for some of you. Memories of your dad, Big Tony, coming home from Tony's Bar (right, that's why it was always his favorite) after taking the edge off with about 12-41 Schlitz after his long day of selling nudie pens under a bridge. What's his reward for hard work and family dedication? Well if this guy is to be believed, an explosion of kerosene or something along those lines. Some people have daddy issues, this guy has liver issues. Follow me down the rabbit hole...

Soccer is So Hard

Yes we know she's British, hold up, are you complaining?
Leave.

This half of RTB really doesn't like soccer at all unless it is played at the highest level. Even then the shit can get absolutely ridiculous with those pansies flippity flopping all over dodge just so they can get possession of the ball and kick it back and forth for 29 minutes with no real objective. This video is sort of everywhere today (here and here at least), but I must post it because it perfectly surmises why most of our country hates this game -- we don't like Central Americans. Wait, no no no, I meant...um, roll the video after the jump, Harold!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Cleveland Tourism Bureau Strikes Back

Grover ponders the Indians' horrid starting rotation

Cleveland, which is in Ohio, gets a ton of garbage for sucking at pretty much everything. People talk about how the Browns have never won jack despite many close calls (and being relocated) or how the Indians have only won stuff in movies. More recently the Cleveland Curse reared its ugly head when LeBron got angry that his teammate was banging his mom so he took his balls to D-Wade in a city with one of the highest gay populations (RTB thinks there is a story there, not that there is anything wrong with that), thus resulting in the Cavs losing 99 straight games or so last month.

So, here we are, a economically dead city in a state that produces more stars of "To Catch a Predator" than any other, with a Hall of Fame that is a bit of a joke (Miles Davis did what again for Rock N' Roll?), with sports teams that are damn near worthless and shitty midwestern weather. Fear not natives of Cleveland, for there is a light on the horizon. And this is it...

Gotta Feel for Cardinal Fans in Libya

Yesterday they get news that ace pitcher Adam Wainwright could be lost for the year, and today all signs point to the fact that their leader has done gone lost his mind.  When he's not blaming bin Laden for hooking up his citizens with drugs, Colonel Gaddafi's wondering why no one is trying to finish the job Reggie Jackson started.  In a rambling phone call to a local news station in Libya, Gaddafi let off this gem: "There are people who have been in power longer than me, like Queen Elizabeth of Britain. And nothing's happened to her."  Maybe we should go to the tale of the tape to see just how similar these two are.

Gaddafi's been linked to some pretty horrific events the past 40 years.  For brevity's sake, let's just name a couple of the bigger ones.  First off, we've got the Black September movement that carried out the Munich massacre at the 1972 Olympics.  Rumor has it that Gaddafi financially backed these terrorists (apparently Eric Bana and friends were unable to locate Gaddafi during their quest for revenge).  Then we've got the 1986 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103, allegedly ordered by Gaddafi--for which Libya later admitted responsibility.  Gaddafi is also responsible for the attempted murder of Doc Brown at the Twin Pines Mall just a year before the Pan Am bombing.  Sprinkle in executions of any dissidents brave enough to speak out against him (even hunting these 'disloyal citizens' in other countries), and Gaddafi pretty much encompasses all of the worst parts of the Bible.

Queen Elizabeth, on the other hand, has her own demons from the past.  She's been known to serve lukewarm tea on occasion.  She fell asleep at a dinner in 1997.  That same year, she told a racist joke to a group of children.  After a bumpy '97, she laid low until 2005, when she got liquored up and dropped a 'c bomb' on Prince Harry's then-girlfriend after a heated cricket match.  Since then, she's been squeaky clean.  Despite that, I've heard rumblings that a team of Navy SEALs and Army Rangers are constantly on her tail--just waiting for the green light from DC.  RTB's Washington correspondent could neither confirm nor deny this report.  It's safe to say that our government agrees with Gaddafi--enough is enough Liz!

picture source

And I Want A Lifetime Supply of Bugles

Gary, I said over-easy, not over-medium, jackass.

Sean and Kent, of the New York State Smith Clan, have come up with a completely unique and mind-blowing idea: An airline that operates flights between NY to Vegas only, with the kicker that the airline packages its services with certain casinos. You buy your airline ticket along with your hotel room along with tickets to shows and shit.

Oh, I've heard of this, it's called every travel site invented since 2003.

"But wait," exclaim the Smiths, "we also are offering sweet in-air perks like iPad's, texting and club music." Awesome, now I am stuck on a plane for 4 hours with nothing to do but play Angry Birds and watch Jersey rats fist pump to Sand Storm? "Yo, yo, yo! Dis iz DJ JetPack comin' at ya from the deck of Flight 127 headed to Sin City party peeeeeoooopplllleeeeee!!!" Any chance I can get a gun and a lot of bullets with that package too?

Despite the obvious, LV Air is running into a few snags. Namely, they haven't found any casino partners and have not been able to publicly offer any type of price structure. Details are a bitch, eh? Seriously, would I love to pay a flat price for a flight, a room at a happening casino including some VIP perks? Of course. Would I also like a unicorn to cook me breakfast every morning and have that served by Gary Sinese in character as Lt. Dan? Of course.

It ain't happening.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

RTB 8-Ball: Southwest Gonna Rape Us All

Gregory (Harvard, '04) just lost $5 Mill on Porkbellies

For those of us who use an airstrip that is served by Southwest Airlines there is no competition. Our search for flights begins and ends at their website. No matter how the numbers appear at the beginning of the planning stage it almost always shakes out that no other airlines can compete with what SW has going. The reasons are many: Tons of flight options to major destinations, cheap tickets, simple and effective reward system, no change fees and no baggage fees. Those last two points have been jimmy-jammed into our melons over the last few months ever since Southwest launched their recent slew of ads.

It all seems good and if this post stopped now our cult of followers would be sure RTB has sold out maaaaaan (shut-up hipsters). Ahh, but this post, sadly for you, is not over and we have a gut feeling that things are going to get very ugly down by the beach...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Pirates Kill 4 Americans Today; Kill 'Em All

This is too relevant not to post, sympathy be damned

Some serious garbage went down today off the coast of East Africa when Somali Pirates killed 4 American hostages. I'm not going to rehash the story, but if you need it you can grab a look here. Obviously it's a tragedy and we all feel horrible for the victims and their families, but what the hell is going on over there? In the news story linked there is a little throw away line that pirates currently hold 30 ships and 660 hostages. I'm sorry, come again?

There are 660 people in this world that are currently being held at gun point by some skinny little bitch of a teenager wearing a Mello-Yello tee from 1991? And we are doing what about this? Oh sorry, that's right, we sniped two of them a few years back and gave another one a few decades in prison....well bravo, jerk offs. I know that number isn't all Americans, but even one is too many.

I have a solution: Stop negotiating with these rodents, instead send a few Navy SEALs (3 is probably enough, honestly) over there for about 2 months to kill every single bobblehead putts'n around in a 12 foot fishing boat. I'm guessing after somebody has a few friends and siblings getting their noggins blown through they will think twice about even thinking about fucking with an American.

One more solution: HEY PEOPLE ON BOATS, STOP GOING ANYWHERE NEAR EAST AFRICA.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Better Late than Never

News out of Lovelock, NV is that the Juice got worked over by some skinhead a couple months ago. The source that reported this is the always reputable National Enquirer. The prison is now denying any harm done to the Juice, but I have reason to believe that an ass-whooping did indeed occur. You see, just like an angel gets his wings every time a bell rings, I get a little pep in my step every time a double murderer gets a shank in the ribs. I distinctively remember a time this past November when I started skipping around the city for no apparent reason blowing kisses to strangers. Now I know why.

The skinny, according to the Enquirer, is that Orenthal was chilling out in the yard regaling his boys with stories of laying with white women. A neo-nazi overheard OJ's stories and became infuriated that white women would associate with a black man. Naturally, a vicious beating took place. OJ, with his arthritic hands, couldn't muster much of a fight. His massive melon took the brunt of the damage, and he ended up in sick bay for a few weeks. Hmmm. If I were Orenthal, I'd be more inclined to brag about lopping 2 heads off and getting away with it than sexual conquests of Christie Prody.

I so want this story to be true, because no one deserves to end up in the ICU more than our main man OJ (well, maybe those jurors that let him get away with double murder, but that's a whole 'nother post all together).

Beating or not, at least OJ is back to twittering...

Breaking: "Respiratory Infection" a new term for an STD

Two hands for safety, what a gentleman.

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Apparently, following a week long of fundraisers at the Playboy Mansion over 200 people have fallen ill with a "respiratory infection." Yeah, when reached for comment Hugh simply said that whenever he feels sick his doctor tells him to slam two blondes with a glass of water and call in the morning....wow, what a great crowd tonight.

Sorry about that intro, but it is Jay Leno Appreciation Week (9th Annual) around the RTB headquarters. As for the devastating news coming out of LA County this week, it is true that there are 200 documented cases of various illnesses befallen on individuals who were at the Mansion at the beginning of this month. Public health officials believe the cause of the problem is bacteria found in warm water. In other words, a bunch of top-heavy women with questionable morals spent too much time getting smashed (take that verb as you will) in the famed grotto.

Heff has circled the Twitter wagons and made it clear that nobody can prove nothing and therefore all scheduled mass orgies are a go. But, it would appear the legal end of the Bunny Ears Empire is crossing the T's and dotting the lowercase j's, as apparent from this survey unearthed by TMZ (ugh). Our favorite is #4.1, which asks how much time the respondent spent at the grotto, with option D being 4-5 hours. Those who checked 'D' are welcome any time at the RTB Grotto, which may or may not double as a utility closet with a leaky water heater. Steamy...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Birth of a Legend

Welcome home, Mr. Bond

This is Kate Upton (L). You may recognize her as the girl you have always loved but never knew existed. She is one of the "Rookies" in this year's SI Swimsuit Edition and has been a model for Guess? among other stuff. Right, and she is only 18. So, yeah, I think it is safe to say she will be around for awhile.

I like to think of myself as a bit of an expert on which models are going to flip the switch and get launched into the stratosphere of modeldom and she is next. For those keeping score at home I was on the cutting edge of Heidi Klum, Adriana Lima, Bar Refaeli and Irina Shayk. I did not see the Brooklyn Decker love coming, but I'm fine with missing the mark on that one. Of course I have no evidence to back my assertions except for my undying love for the SI Swimsuit Edition since Tyra Banks was on the cover (before she turned into Oprah without any sort of talent) and more specifically the bodypaint portion, which Ms. Upton stars in as well this year.

Links to know: Her Twitter (Followers jumped by a few hundred today), Her Website (WATCH THE INTRO), SI Swimsuit Home

Monday, February 14, 2011

"Please Accept the Offer. I'll Name it Albert--for Serious!"

Thanks Tony, but it didn't work

This will not become an Albert Pujols blog--one more post on this subject should suffice.  As a Cardinals fan, this ongoing saga has put my blood pressure at a healthy 250/190.  So we've all heard by now that Albert rejected the Cardinals offer for an extension.  When did this rejection take place you ask?  No clue.  Some say two weeks ago, some say an offer was never even tendered.  Rumor has it that ESPN jizzed in their corporate pants regarding this story. A summer full of no football just got a whole lot sexier. Scores of media have descended upon Jupiter, Florida.  From spring training, these media members will then follow the Cardinals along all season asking the same question over and over and over: Where will Albert end up next year? 

The most hilarious part of this whole thing is that Albert doesn't want any contract negotiations once he steps foot in the Florida sun because that might be a distraction.  Really?  That makes sense.  The Sir Albert story is already all over the place.  It's reached mass-hysteria levels in St. Louis.  My brother, who is currently serving our country overseas, sent me the following email this morning entitled WTF:  What is this shit? Did Pujols reject the Cardinals offer?? This is going to be a HUGE distraction all year!  That's right-the latest news has already hit our service men and women on an aircraft carrier half way across the world.  For those outside of Cardinal fandom, enjoy the show.  The most entertaining part of the Pujols situation should be La Russa's post-game interviews--especially after a loss.  Oh boy.  We might see Tony start showing up to the presser's like this:

Friday, February 11, 2011

He Gets Paid for This?

We are the cat, SI is the finger, the Pujols saga is the mouse

If you are a white American male chances are superb that you have heard of Albert Pujols. For our non-white, female Lithuanian reader in Philadelphia, Pujols is the best baseball player in the world and one of the best of all time. Albert plays first base for the St. Louis Cardinals and has been in the news more than normal this off-season due to the expiration of his contract at the end of the 2011 season. Pujols gave a deadline to get a deal done by February 16 and to date a deal has yet to be done.The current state of the St. Louis fan base can best be described as delirious over the prospect of losing the face of the franchise.

What you have just read in 10 seconds is everything that everyone in the world knows about the situation. With that being said, you can imagine why my interest was piqued when the front page of SI.com had an article from Jon Heyman titled Could St. Louis lose Pujols? Finally, the reputable Heyman is going to give us an inside look at the contract negotiations that could very well shape the League for the next decade. I clicked on the link with vigor only to find an article that was not only a waste of my time, but an insult to my intelligence. Seriously, check it...

Thursday, February 10, 2011

An Elevated Train Report: The Vulture

I'm in your basement. Seriously.

The Vulture was referenced in passing whilst discussing The Door Man; we shall now delve deeper into this shallow, shameless creature's existence. You surely have seen this bird of prey and most likely have been devoured by him. Oddly, The Vulture's biggest asset is his intelligence. It is this same intelligence that is so well evolved that it lulls you to sleep and by the time you realize you've miscalculated this beast, alas it's too late and you have been....vultured.

To explain The Vulture and his tactics, let us set the scene: It's Tuesday, 8:55 a.m., you may think you're late but you aren't late enough as evidenced by your center location amongst the herd of sheep around you. By some miracle, God has touched your shoulder and given you an opening right next to the door (ah the beauty of only having to deal with one side of your body being worked over by that nice homeless man next to you). The door is nice, you are dealing with this morning like a champ, yet there are choppy waters ahead.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Ft. Wayne Assumes You Are 5 Years-Old

Official Government Photo of Harry Baals

Testes, junk, sack, marbles, nuggets, pills, berries, ping pongs, clangers and.... Harry Baals. These, apparently, are all words people use to describe testicles. If that list made you laugh then you are exactly the person the Ft. Wayne, Indiana government fears.

Mr. Harry Baals was a 4-term mayor of Ft. Wayne in the 30s, 40s and 50s and more recently the runaway winner of public poll picking the honorary name for a new government center. The big Harry Baals Center would, in my mind, be a charming spot to get some real government shit done. But the leadership of Ft. Wayne does not want to give the public what they want for fear that Conan O'Brien will make fun and tarnish a great man's legacy. Family members are not happy as you might imagine. Though, I find it odd that this proud family sneering at us from their, very mature, pedestal felt the need to change the pronunciation of their name from "Balls" to "Bales" over the years. But why? Oh, probably that distant cousin Richard Andy Baals.

Whatever, I say. You are now a joke regardless so you might as well get the publicity and not ignore public opinion like communists would. So the lesson here is Ft. Waynians are communist bastards who refuse to recognize the greatness of Harry Baals in our society.


**Thanks to Dizz in the 'Nati

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Here We Go Again

The rivalry is renewed tomorrow night.  As a mildly obsessed Duke fan, it doesn't get much better than a Duke-UNC game.  I might get to another post tomorrow about the game, but for the time being, step inside and watch some of the finer moments from the rivalry over the past 15 or so years (don't worry you baby blue bitches, I've got some UNC highlights as well).

Monday, February 7, 2011

Champion.


Please excuse the blatant homerism, but half of RTB is extremely interested in Michigan Football and by extension, its alumni. Including your newest World Champion: Charles Woodson.

A pretty good game, as is the norm over the last few years. It really seemed all too perfect for Big Ben and the Steelers to steal another championship late, but credit to the depleted Green Bay secondary for shutting it down. The Steelers deserve credit too for being the inspiration of the best rap song going today: Not Black & Yellow. "She never play Madden, but she got that hit stick." Poetry if I've ever read it.

** Thanks to RTB reader Zilla for the tip.

Friday, February 4, 2011

'Bron Scores Baskets Many Times Over

A gift for your Mom.

Despite our posting track record, we actually really like sports and even follow some of the matches. That being said, we understand that you can get your sports news everywhere and you come to this sight for our financial market analysis and elephants on skates so we usually won't waste anyone's time discussing sporting endeavors. But, there are a few things worth noting right now:

- LeBron got straight nasty wit' it last night dropping 51 on the Magic, including 23 in the first. The real story here is how much the Heat suck. The King goes off and they still barely eeked out the W 104-100. My guess is a second round bow out and a new coach next year. Highlights

- Despite the NFL's proverbial climax last week in the form of the Pro Bowl, the Steelers and Packers still plan on playing the Super Bowl in Dallas this weekend. Here is a breakdown of the game from the aesthetic end and here are the three commercials leaked by WikiLeaks - gotta love Toddler Vadar. Also, if you want the banner pic on a shirt, look here, sicko.

- In the National Hockey League last night, the Boston Bruins and the Dallas Stars had three fights, two goals and a pulled goalie....in the first 2 minutes. Unique.

But...How?

Who's up for a party, Donner style?

The picture above is both a perfect prediction of what the end of the world will look like and a picture of Chicago's famed Lake Shore Drive on Wednesday morning. Yes, we had an awful storm here and yes everyone has been digging themselves out for 4 days and yes we knew it was coming. This last point is where I get a little caught up and realize just how dumb our society can be under pressure. How the hell did all of these people, with multi-day notice, get caught in the middle of blizzard on a road that is literally 4 feet from a Lake Michigan? What the hell where you thinking?

There may be a few plausible explanations for these people's mind-numbing idiocy. For example, maybe they work at a nuclear power plant and had to flip a switch at 5 pm (storm started at 2) or the core of the earth would implode. Or maybe some of these people misread their Pontiac Sunfire's owner's manual and thought the car had flying capabilities. I don't know and honestly I don't care. Another quick question: Where the hell did these people walk after abandoning ship?! Is the Chicago P.D. about to discover 3,000 bodies scattered throughout Lincoln Park? I bet a few of those people wish they had Tonton to cut open and use as sleeping bag.

Finally, what the hell was that bus driver's last words to his passengers? "Attention CTA riders, we know you have a choice in your transportation and it appears you chose wrong. Good bye."

Monday, January 31, 2011

I Can't Wait to Own a House

Those that live in apartments know of the trade off you get with hardwood floors.  You get the nice look without the dirty carpet, but you also get the paper thin ceilings.  Back in the day, RTB shared an apartment in the Chicago area.  We were on the second floor of a three-flat.  Our sprawling apartment had beautiful hardwood floors, and we were ecstatic--until about a week after we moved into the place.  We are convinced that the guy that lived above us worked for Boeing on a special project.  Boeing had asked him to build a 747 in his apartment, and he would have to do this task on his own time--after work.  To his credit, he worked like a sumbitch, putting in about 25 -30 hours a week during weeknights to complete the project.  We left before the guy above us finished building the jumbo jet.  True story: the three-flat was later set ablaze.  Our thinking is that the Boeing dude got pissed once he finished the plane and realized he couldn't fit it down the stairs.  To our knowledge, no charges were brought against him though.

Fast forward a few years, and I'm begging for the Boeing guy instead of what I have now.  Currently, my wife and I are living below two of the worst people imaginable.  These people (pictured above--roughly) apparently have a touch of paranoid schizophrenia, which would explain why they march back and forth in their apartment for about 20 hours a day, 7 days a week.  From working from home a couple days and being home on the weekends, we know that these wonderful people take no breaks.  They even get their dog involved in the marching which usually sets off our dog on a barking spree.  It's really quite a symphony we have going.  The constant stomping with a couple dogs barking their heads off can be a very soothing sound.

Last night the marching relented for a few minutes, which was met with applause from our apartment.  Oh how naive we were.  A couple minutes after their final stomp, I heard a ruffle of a moan.  At first, I thought that makes sense, I'd be moaning too if I stomped 140 hours a week for the past 6 months.  Then I heard more moaning --moaning that might accompany 200 hours a week of marching.  Hey, wait a sec.  More moaning.  I finally figured it out.  Please start marching again.  Please.  A couple more minutes of moaning and then silence.  Moments later, they were back to their posts, and I was on craigslist looking for a new apartment.  I wonder if they fit the Code of Harry...

Friday, January 28, 2011

Archer has Returned

Another Sunday afternoon at the Archer household

I get the sneaky feeling that not enough people in this world are watching "Archer" on FX. The show is just phenomenal and I don't want our readers missing out.

Season 2 premiered last night (10 pm est) and the episode involved all of the following: Twin terrorists with the same girlfriend, Archer being constantly molested by a scantily clad European heiress (17 years-old, by the way), Archer using a home-made flamethrower of sorts to sizzle the terrorists, a topless snowmobile chase involving guns with lots of explosions and a absinthe-induced threesome between a European King, a old woman and a pleasantly plump 30 something. Did I mention the show is a cartoon?

Work Hard, Play Hard

For your information, "Archer" is a play on the spy genre set in some type of mash-up of today and the late Sixties. A typical episode starts with the agency (ISIS) being hired to foil some generic plot (kidnapping, bombing, government coup) which requires the work of the world famous Sterling Archer. The combination of extremely witty writing along with the fact that every character screws everything that walks (and the mission for that matter) makes this show a must-see. Very sensual.

The new episode isn't up yet on Hulu, but there are some old episodes and great clips. More fluff here.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Terrible Movies: Open Water 2: Adrift

We'll be bringing you something like this every once in a while. RTB knows that you have better things to do than watch a crappy movie--we don't. We'll do the leg work and give you a nice recap. You just relax, and thank your lucky stars that we just saved you a couple hours of your life.

Oh goodness gracious.  This movie clearly did for absurd movie plots what Muhammad Ali did for boxing.  I've wanted to post a movie review about this flick for some time now, but each time I tried to write, I found myself jumping all over the place trying to explain it.  So, I consulted a wise author who offered the following advice: "Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop."  I shall now attempt this daunting task.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Here's Your Hockey Post

We try to give you guys about one solid hockey post every five years or so.  This is from the Onion sports show that is currently airing on comedy central (Tuesday nights, 9:30pm central, I believe).  It's a show that must be watched. 

This Could be a Problem For You, a Big One

Is that Hanger? Nuts!

Say hello to Senator Emmett Hanger, and now say goodbye to your balls....if you are on Chris Hanson's radar. The republican from Virginia is not a fan of violent sexual offenders and as a result he would prefer that their nuggets get ground to a fine dust. Sen. Hanger's proposed bill would not only cause immense pain (no anesthesia, right?) to the scum of our society, but it would also cut the prison budget. Simply put, a win/win.

This is one of those things were everybody is all for it until it's their marbles in the vice. Seriously, before you write your local elected official demanding this treatment for pervs in your area, I would give a looksie at what constitutes a "sexual offense" in your neighborhood. For example, you are an 18 year-old freshman in college and your roommate, Klug, has his 17 year-old sister up to visit for the weekend. Naturally, the two of you (no, not you and Klug) get to hammering a bunch of 4-Loko's and BOOM - you have now committed statutory rape of Klugette.

"I hope you enjoyed your balls one last time" sneered Senator Hanger.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Jay Cutler's Biggest Problem

I said I play lacrosse for Duke, so.....

We promise to cover the pending Super Bowl between the Packers and Steelers in great detail in the days leading up to that epic showdown, but first we need to talk about Jay Cutler.

Just in case you have been declared legally dead for the last three days here is the brief rundown: Jay Cutler plays football for the Chicago Bears. Jay Cutler plays the quarterback position for the Chicago Bears. The Chicago Bears played the Green Bay Packers in the National Football Conference Championship on Sunday, January 23, 2011. Jay, seemingly injured, sat out the second half of said game. As the game was played out, fellow NFLers took to Twitter to bash Jay as a bitch. The Chicago Bears lost to the Green Bay Packers. Jay has been diagnosed with a torn MCL, a real injury. People don't care that Jay is actually injured because they hate his attitude and his face, apparently. Moving on....

Cutler's problem is not his knee, it's not his attitude, it isn't his body language or even the fact that he is dating that hot chick from Laguna Beach (why would that be a problem? Right, I don't know, stay focused). Clearly, JC's problem boils down to one horrible, horrible thing: His doofy, dumbass haircut.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Baby Spice Engaged! This is not Newsworthy!

Sir Cowell can't believe you would suggest a t-shirt

I have now seen this story on 4 different "news" websites, heard it on three radio stations and written about it once (counting this time writing about it). Emma Bunton of Spice Girls fame is engaged to a guy she had a kid with 3 years ago. Please file this earth-shattering news under "Caring: I could do no less."

And this is the part where you people, or should I say sheeple, drop down on me with force yelling: "Bird, by writing about it you are only furthering it as a story and validating it as news." I have a two-pronged response to your clever attack: 1) Nobody reads this site so my actions really have very little influence on the world; and 2) I don't care, Baby Spice was always my favorite.

On a serious note, it is quite incredible that 5 relatively average looking British women hand-picked by Simon Cowell 17 years ago (no sexual favors there, I'm sure) have had such a lasting impact on our culture. It's always the stupid shit that sticks with us, not the dynamite stuff like hypercolor clothing or koosh balls.

An Elevated Train Report: The Masher


** A quick note: For those who are old members of the site you will remember the "El Report" as one of our regular columns. The idea is that those of us who live in decaying, urban hell-holes have to take public transportation to get around. Naturally, these rides result in ridiculousness of all shapes, sizes and smells. Hence, the need to make fun of these experiences and people. Also, any person referred to will be in the male context because we know you beautiful woman would never do this shit.

The Masher ranks pretty high as far as people who deserve a bullet in the head. This rider smashes, slams and bullies his way onto the train or bus no matter the situation. Does it not matter to this guy that there is absolutely no room and the people he is cramming into include a person who smells like old Jordache shoes, a person coughing every other second and a homeless dude wearing a disturbingly low amount of clothing? Nope, he doesn't give a damn -- The Masher needs to make that train!!

I'm guessing his thoughts range from the logical ("I'm late and don't care") to the mildly entertaining ("I can't stand people so I'm going to use this environment as an excuse to inflict pain") to the absolutely insane ("If I don't make this train I may have to wait a whole minute for the next one!"). I hate these guys mostly because I am of the strong belief 90% of them subscribe to the third line of thinking. Listen here jackwagon: There will be another train very, very soon. You are already late, we don't have room and you are fat. Get the hell out of here.

Within this species of handlesticks resides a small sub-species: The Mish-Mash Backpack. Yes, this is someone to be very afraid of and should be avoided at all costs. This person consists of 100% Masher and 100% Jansport backpack. In a nutshell, this guy forces his way into a situation where he certainly is regarded as a mortal enemy by those around him, does not show any remorse for the extreme chaos he has caused and, to top it all off, he has come aboard with half of the Library of Congress on his back. You son of a bitch. No, no, no, I don't mind that your calculator is digging into my hip or that the edge of your organic chemistry book is cracking my L5 vertebrae; you keep on riding brother.

The Masher is a rare breed in that you can almost understand his logic but you also want to smash his solarplex at the first opportunity. Your best remedy is to admit your defeat and get off that train to catch the next one with ample leg room. Although, you're late so you probably don't want to do that.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

Not in any way relevant

Sorry for the semi-hiatus. We know that your world was shattered, up was down and black was white over the last week or so. What kind of blog gets a little mojo going, tops 15 readers in one day (!), really starts becoming hilariously funny and then stops? Nobody, except for us idiots naturally. Anyway, that is all in the past because we are here again. In honor of your great loyalty, I have decided to run down the 5 biggest stories during our time off and drop a line or two that would have most likely not have had its own post if we were here. To the Trees! :

1. Ricky Gervais hosted a show and offended some weaklings: I didn't watch this live, but have since seen his opening shots since everyone was talking about it. Sooooo, this was not that bad, right? He had the balls to make fun of Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp and even took a shot at Robert Downey, Jr., well holy shit. Synopsis: These liberal assclowns get pampered every day and told how great they are and when one of their own makes half-hearted jokes just to get ratings they want the world to feel bad for them thereby drawing more attention to their pathetic lives. Suck it Hollywood.

2. NFL action! The Jets beat Peyton Manning and Tom Brady in a 8-day stretch. Impressive. The Packers absolutely dismantled the pretender Falcons and squeaked by Vick (insert dog killing joke here). Good work. The Bears' luck continued after the Seahawks beat the Saints, so the Bears got to beat a 2-13 team at home to go to the NFC Championship. Posers. And the Yinzers from the Burgh took advantage of 41 Raven turnovers to advance to the AFC Championship. Oh yeah, everyone in the world watched all of these games thereby making everyone associated with the NFL many monies. Yet, the owners and players may have a lock-out next year because they can't decide how to split $900 billion equally. Logic wins the day!

3. An Arizona punkbitch shot some people: This is buried at #3 because it is so sad and enrages me to no end. Some kid decides driving to a Safeway and shooting at a political official and some innocents is the best way to become famous? In my book that is the best way to get a shiv in the shower from Dirty Ears Bill. My guess is that this idiot is wishing he ordered one more Double Double from In N' Out and gave the whole shooting spree idea another thought. What is up with West Coast kids? The worst.

4. Auburn won the National Championship: Remember when your hot 3rd grade teacher told you money can't buy happiness when you were running that NCAA Tourney pool? Well, Gene Chizik thinks that flousy was full of shit. Auburn proved that not only can a team blatantly pay players and the NCAA won't care, but also that karma doesn't give a damn either. I am seriously ashamed to say college football is my favorite sport. Enjoy the 6th Round money, Cam.

5. I finished Season 2 of The Wire: Oh yeah, this is definitely news. Definitely. Suck it, Ziggy.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

"Can You Hear Me Juice?"

College football is over folks.  We here at RTB would like to congratulate the Auburn Tigers for a job well done.  Also, what a terrific season for Mr. Cam Newton.  As a Heisman winner, I'm sure he's got nothing but smooth sailing in front of him--just as long as he stays away from white women and waiters. 

There are few things on the internets as priceless as the following video.  It needs to be watched about 30-40 times to fully appreciate just all the great things it has to offer.  If only we had the video footage from the meeting where it was agreed that this call-in show could make it big if it could just get a big name guest, like Orenthal...

Friday, January 7, 2011

Great Moments in Gambling History

I'll assume that most of you are not degenerates, and that you have no idea who Dan Mahowny is.  For those that do, you know nothing beats the rush of placing a wager on some sports action.  And absolutely nothing beats the feeling of a lost bet becoming a winner in an instant.  Since I haven't seen most of you at my GA meetings, I'll explain this nice and slow.  Last night, the Oklahoma City Thunder took on the Dallas Mavericks on TNT .  With nothing else on TV except the GoDaddy Bowl, I decided to tune in to some NBA hoops and place a wager on....the Over (192.5) of course. For you novices, that means that I needed the total points scored by both teams to be greater than 192.5.  193 would work just fine.  With about 25 seconds left, Oklahoma City was up  99-92, and Dallas had the ball (that's 191 points folk--just need a basket).  OKC wasn't playing much defense as they were just making sure Dallas didn't jack up any uncontested threes.  Layups were welcome.  Dallas saw this and decided to get a quick two points.  Well, some kook on the Mavericks channeled David Wesley and totally bricked the layup. The rebound went to OKC with 16 seconds to go.  Shot clock off + Dallas coach screaming "no fouls"= Disaster for over-backers.  Kevin Durant had the ball and was just dribbling out the clock as I cursed that Maverick idiot for missing such an easy deuce.  With still only 191 points on the board, the best was lost.  Until one of the strangest things I've ever seen in my gambling life happened....

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Facebook Gangsta, You Lose

This video is popping up around the blog-o-dome and while we usually shy away from posting things that you 12 read elsewhere, this baby deserves an RTB reco. In case your white suburban-ass can't understand what is happening - this guy caught his nephew acting all hard on The Facebook and didn't really think his nephew should be acting in such a manner. So, he peaks so hard all over him that all of the Tubes felt it.




A tip of the proverbial cap to the always awesome Film Drunk.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

An Elevated Train Report: The Door Man

I ruve it, rhen ree touch...

** A quick note: For those who are old members of the site you will remember the "El Report" as one of our regular columns. The idea is that those of us who live in decaying, urban hell-holes have to take public transportation to get around. Naturally, these rides result in ridiculousness of all shapes, sizes and smells. Hence, the need to make fun of these experiences and people. Also, any person referred to is always a male because we know you beautiful woman would never do this shit.

Today we are discussing one of the most stubborn breeds of public transport users: The Door Man. You know him, you elbow him, you loathe him, but when given the opportunity you most likely become him. DM is the person who gets the pole position next to the door and refuses to give any of his precious real estate. The train could be crowded or it could be relatively empty, either way Door Knob here has worked hard to be in everyone's way and, damn it, that is right where he is going to stay.

Lose a Mom, Gain some new Daddys

Give me that cocktail...fruit!

In a seriously sad tale, 10 year-old Joseph McVay shot and killed his mother apparently because she asked him to do chores. While there is no report on how much cash young McVay demanded in allowance contract negotiations, I think we can assume his agent did not get him the number he was after.

TRIVIA TIME: Can you guess in which state a tragedy like this would occur? Answer later...

Unfortunately for Joseph, he killed his mom in a fit of rage and probably didn't mean it. As a result, he will be headed to some type of Sleepers situation at some god-forsaken juvie center. Of course, the kid did have six (!) guns in his room including a loaded rifle and 12-gauge so I think it is fair to say he was what your 88 year-old neighbor would call a "troubled youth." Best of luck JoJo, but I don't really think you deserve any.

TRIVIA ANSWER: Ohio (I see, said the blind man)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Coaaaaach's Corner

(...because Asians with boobs are sweet.)
The hottest athletes of all time...according to the retards at Bleacher Report. How Allison Stokke is not the unanimous #1 is beyond me.

Let me guess, this statue is somewhere inside the walls of the Vatican. (I truly am Bored)

How, how, how???? Is Mike Brown of his fucking rocker? "Only two winning records in the past 20 years" is ridiculously pathetic for a team with so much talent on the roster. Translation: your coach sucks and it is 100% his fault. (Bungles)

5 to 1 odds that men will make up 20% of the market share for these things, which by the way are AWESOME (Barstool Boston)

Per your request: a daily slice of Da Heights! This Bell dude must be something special.

This Guy Thought 2012 Was Terrible Too!

Add one more to the growing list of people that aren't fans of the movie 2012.  Harold Camping thinks you're crazy if you think the world is going to end in 2012.  Camping says "that date has not one stich of biblical authority."  One might think Ol' Harry is a pretty level guy with his ability to know a shitty movie when he sees it.  Not so fast my friend.  Harry's going to try to come out with a '5/21/2011' movie--"the real date for the end of times."

Monday, January 3, 2011

Technical Difficulties

Please excuse the lack of posts today, we are experiencing some problems here at the RTB Super-Secret, Awesome, Bad-Ass Headquarters (visit our new branch in Peoria!).

We expect to be up and running again later tonight or tomorrow...like you care.