Terrible Movies: Open Water 2: Adrift

We'll be bringing you something like this every once in a while. RTB knows that you have better things to do than watch a crappy movie--we don't. We'll do the leg work and give you a nice recap. You just relax, and thank your lucky stars that we just saved you a couple hours of your life.

Oh goodness gracious.  This movie clearly did for absurd movie plots what Muhammad Ali did for boxing.  I've wanted to post a movie review about this flick for some time now, but each time I tried to write, I found myself jumping all over the place trying to explain it.  So, I consulted a wise author who offered the following advice: "Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop."  I shall now attempt this daunting task.

The setting for this epic shit-storm is a high school reunion of sorts aboard a yacht among three couples.  Couple 1 consists of Cool Dude and Trophy Girlfriend, couple 2 is Husband and Wife, and couple 3 brings us Boring Guy and Annoying Girl.  The opening scene has Husband and Wife driving to the dock (they decide to bring their infant daughter for some reason).  During the drive, the camera pans to Wife, who is already wearing a life jacket.  In the car.  You see, she's terrified of water.  I think her dad drowned or she drowned her dad or something.  Her dad died in water somehow.  Husband is trying his best to calm her down as they approach the dock, but to no avail.  Wife is a nervous wreck.  Let's keep an eye on this.  Husband and Wife finally reach the dock to see Cool Dude and Trophy Girlfriend just straight relaxing on a pretty pimp yacht.  Cool Dude is all smiles and jokes as he peppers Wife with sly remarks about her utter terror of water.  I don't think Trophy Girlfriend speaks english all that well.  If I had to guess, I'd say eastern European.  "Who's the new chick?" asks Husband.  "Oh just the latest and greatest," replies Cool Dude.  The character development is already at an all time high, and we've only been on this ride for 5 minutes!  Boring Guy and Annoying Girl soon show up, and they all set sail.  Get ready.

We jump ahead a couple hours, and the yacht is out in the middle of nowhere.  Time for a swim.  Boring Guy and Annoying Girl jump in the water.  Husband and Trophy Girlfriend follow suit.  Wife and Cool Dude are still on deck.  Wife has just put Baby to bed down below, and Cool Dude is getting some quality rays under that hot sun.  As Wife is rocking back and forth like a nutjob near the edge of the yacht, Cool Dude swoops in, picks her up and jumps in the water.  All in good fun.  Cool Dude lets out a hearty laugh as he surfaces.  Husband swims hurriedly to his Wife, who is flailing in the water.  Wife realizes that the water won't melt her, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.  Only one problem folks: Everyone is in the water, and no one put down the ladder.  Mass hysteria.

So, we've got 6 ducks in the water.  Wife has the life vest, and Annoying Girl has an inner tube.  That leaves 4 people treading water.  Cool Dude orders Annoying Girl to hand over the inner tube.  He's going to try to stand on it in an attempt to get high enough to reach the deck.  He tries a couple times, and then he pops that sucker.  This is why Annoying Girl is named as such.  As soon as that baby pops, she starts crying about how she has to tread water now.  Ugh, I can't stand her.

Next thing we know, a phone is ringing on the yacht.  This gets the crew in gear.   The phone rests in a jacket that hangs over the ledge of the yacht.  Everyone is jumping for the jacket, trying to grab just a piece in order to get to that phone.  Oh the drama!  Boring Guy is able to get a piece of the jacket and makes sure not to let the phone go in the water.  He's treading water like a madman as he answers the incoming call.  You'll never guess what happens next.  The caller on the end turns out to be a group of people singing happy birthday to one of the 6 water bound morons.  The treading water folk attempt to yell back, but the singing group can't hear anything as they continue to belt out happy birthday.  Boring Guy ain't gonna wait around for this shit.  He chucks the phone into the ocean rather than waiting for the group to finish up the song.  The group is aghast to say the least.  Wife seems to be the only one who understands.  "Maybe a phone killed his dad like water killed mine.  I undertand his pain," she thinks to herself.  This last part may or may not have happened.  I'm not totally sure.  The slinging of the phone definitely did happen though.  I didn't think it could get any more ridiculous.  I've never been more wrong in my life.

Someone has the bright idea to get naked and to tie the swimsuits into a rope.  I think Cool Dude came up with this gem.  It doesn't work, and now everyone is sans clothes and getting antsy.  Husband decides to go swimming about under the yacht to see if there's a secret door underneath or something.  He knocks his head on the prop and dies a couple hours later.  Adios.  Boring Guy remembers that he has a knife in his pocket, and he attempts to stab the side of the yacht and make a handhold to climb up to the deck.  Just as he winds up with the knife, Cool Dude stops him.  "No way brah.  I don't want you messing up my sweet yacht.  This baby is way expensive."  They scuffle for a bit, and the knife ends up in Boring Guy's heart.  2 down, 4 to go.  Just to make sure we're all clear here:  Cool Dude would rather everyone die than scuff his yacht (later we find out that it's his boss' yacht, and he's just borrowing it).  I don't know about you, but when my choices are option A or dying, I'm going to choose option A almost all the time.  Then again, I'm not nearly as cool as Cool Dude, so....

Needless to say Annoying Girl is distraught that her boyfriend just got stabbed in the heart.  She swims off and is never heard from again.  3 down, 3 to go.  Trophy Girlfriend thinks she sees land in the distance.  Off she swims.  2 down, 2 to go.  The pace of the movie is really picking up at this point.  We're down to Cool Dude and Wife.

Murdering his friend sure is hitting Cool Dude hard.  He rips of his scuba mask that he's been wearing and throws it against the side of the yacht.  The lens of the mask pops out, and Cool Dude gets a great idea.  "Why don't I take the lens and wedge it in one of the crevices in the yacht to make a handhold.  Then maybe we can climb up."  Great thinking.  I seem to remember a similar idea earlier.  There's no better way to honor your slain friend than to use the idea that got him murdered, right?  Cool Dude finds a crevice.  Wife climbs on his back and is just barely able to get herself on board.  Yay!  She lowers the ladder for Cool Dude and then tends to her crying baby. 

Cool Dude, still upset over all that has transpired, declines the offer to come aboard.  Instead, he decides to swim off and drown.  Not so fast.  Wife jumps back in the water to save him.  Her crippling fear of water seemingly gone.  This is where the movie goes for that Oscar nod.  The next scene shows a fishing boat coming across the yacht.  It's empty, and the only sound you hear is Baby crying.  Everyone died, right?  Not sure.  The final scene is in slow motion and shows us Wife on the yacht.  Cool Dude is there too, but he's facedown on the deck.  Fade to black.  Roll credits.  What the fuck just happened?

According to the director, everyone died except Annoying Girl--she found her way to an island somewhere after swimming off following the murder of her boyfriend.  Of course.  The meaning of the last 2 scenes?  No clue.  I guess the director thought that if the ending was unbelievably confusing that the audience would forget just how terrible the movie was.  It almost worked...

Note: This movie has nothing to do with the Open Water 1.  It used the name in the hope of riding the original's success.  The original deserves its own post.