Friday, February 25, 2011

Drinky Bear Attacks!

Alphabet backwards please, sir.

First a disclaimer: Its Friday, so you will get two video posts and like it. Not sure why that disclaimer was necessary considering we average about .71 posts per day, although that average has been boosted big time as of late.

Ok, so this video most likely will bring back some memories for some of you. Memories of your dad, Big Tony, coming home from Tony's Bar (right, that's why it was always his favorite) after taking the edge off with about 12-41 Schlitz after his long day of selling nudie pens under a bridge. What's his reward for hard work and family dedication? Well if this guy is to be believed, an explosion of kerosene or something along those lines. Some people have daddy issues, this guy has liver issues. Follow me down the rabbit hole...

Soccer is So Hard

Yes we know she's British, hold up, are you complaining?
Leave.

This half of RTB really doesn't like soccer at all unless it is played at the highest level. Even then the shit can get absolutely ridiculous with those pansies flippity flopping all over dodge just so they can get possession of the ball and kick it back and forth for 29 minutes with no real objective. This video is sort of everywhere today (here and here at least), but I must post it because it perfectly surmises why most of our country hates this game -- we don't like Central Americans. Wait, no no no, I meant...um, roll the video after the jump, Harold!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Cleveland Tourism Bureau Strikes Back

Grover ponders the Indians' horrid starting rotation

Cleveland, which is in Ohio, gets a ton of garbage for sucking at pretty much everything. People talk about how the Browns have never won jack despite many close calls (and being relocated) or how the Indians have only won stuff in movies. More recently the Cleveland Curse reared its ugly head when LeBron got angry that his teammate was banging his mom so he took his balls to D-Wade in a city with one of the highest gay populations (RTB thinks there is a story there, not that there is anything wrong with that), thus resulting in the Cavs losing 99 straight games or so last month.

So, here we are, a economically dead city in a state that produces more stars of "To Catch a Predator" than any other, with a Hall of Fame that is a bit of a joke (Miles Davis did what again for Rock N' Roll?), with sports teams that are damn near worthless and shitty midwestern weather. Fear not natives of Cleveland, for there is a light on the horizon. And this is it...

Gotta Feel for Cardinal Fans in Libya

Yesterday they get news that ace pitcher Adam Wainwright could be lost for the year, and today all signs point to the fact that their leader has done gone lost his mind.  When he's not blaming bin Laden for hooking up his citizens with drugs, Colonel Gaddafi's wondering why no one is trying to finish the job Reggie Jackson started.  In a rambling phone call to a local news station in Libya, Gaddafi let off this gem: "There are people who have been in power longer than me, like Queen Elizabeth of Britain. And nothing's happened to her."  Maybe we should go to the tale of the tape to see just how similar these two are.

Gaddafi's been linked to some pretty horrific events the past 40 years.  For brevity's sake, let's just name a couple of the bigger ones.  First off, we've got the Black September movement that carried out the Munich massacre at the 1972 Olympics.  Rumor has it that Gaddafi financially backed these terrorists (apparently Eric Bana and friends were unable to locate Gaddafi during their quest for revenge).  Then we've got the 1986 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103, allegedly ordered by Gaddafi--for which Libya later admitted responsibility.  Gaddafi is also responsible for the attempted murder of Doc Brown at the Twin Pines Mall just a year before the Pan Am bombing.  Sprinkle in executions of any dissidents brave enough to speak out against him (even hunting these 'disloyal citizens' in other countries), and Gaddafi pretty much encompasses all of the worst parts of the Bible.

Queen Elizabeth, on the other hand, has her own demons from the past.  She's been known to serve lukewarm tea on occasion.  She fell asleep at a dinner in 1997.  That same year, she told a racist joke to a group of children.  After a bumpy '97, she laid low until 2005, when she got liquored up and dropped a 'c bomb' on Prince Harry's then-girlfriend after a heated cricket match.  Since then, she's been squeaky clean.  Despite that, I've heard rumblings that a team of Navy SEALs and Army Rangers are constantly on her tail--just waiting for the green light from DC.  RTB's Washington correspondent could neither confirm nor deny this report.  It's safe to say that our government agrees with Gaddafi--enough is enough Liz!

picture source

And I Want A Lifetime Supply of Bugles

Gary, I said over-easy, not over-medium, jackass.

Sean and Kent, of the New York State Smith Clan, have come up with a completely unique and mind-blowing idea: An airline that operates flights between NY to Vegas only, with the kicker that the airline packages its services with certain casinos. You buy your airline ticket along with your hotel room along with tickets to shows and shit.

Oh, I've heard of this, it's called every travel site invented since 2003.

"But wait," exclaim the Smiths, "we also are offering sweet in-air perks like iPad's, texting and club music." Awesome, now I am stuck on a plane for 4 hours with nothing to do but play Angry Birds and watch Jersey rats fist pump to Sand Storm? "Yo, yo, yo! Dis iz DJ JetPack comin' at ya from the deck of Flight 127 headed to Sin City party peeeeeoooopplllleeeeee!!!" Any chance I can get a gun and a lot of bullets with that package too?

Despite the obvious, LV Air is running into a few snags. Namely, they haven't found any casino partners and have not been able to publicly offer any type of price structure. Details are a bitch, eh? Seriously, would I love to pay a flat price for a flight, a room at a happening casino including some VIP perks? Of course. Would I also like a unicorn to cook me breakfast every morning and have that served by Gary Sinese in character as Lt. Dan? Of course.

It ain't happening.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

RTB 8-Ball: Southwest Gonna Rape Us All

Gregory (Harvard, '04) just lost $5 Mill on Porkbellies

For those of us who use an airstrip that is served by Southwest Airlines there is no competition. Our search for flights begins and ends at their website. No matter how the numbers appear at the beginning of the planning stage it almost always shakes out that no other airlines can compete with what SW has going. The reasons are many: Tons of flight options to major destinations, cheap tickets, simple and effective reward system, no change fees and no baggage fees. Those last two points have been jimmy-jammed into our melons over the last few months ever since Southwest launched their recent slew of ads.

It all seems good and if this post stopped now our cult of followers would be sure RTB has sold out maaaaaan (shut-up hipsters). Ahh, but this post, sadly for you, is not over and we have a gut feeling that things are going to get very ugly down by the beach...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Pirates Kill 4 Americans Today; Kill 'Em All

This is too relevant not to post, sympathy be damned

Some serious garbage went down today off the coast of East Africa when Somali Pirates killed 4 American hostages. I'm not going to rehash the story, but if you need it you can grab a look here. Obviously it's a tragedy and we all feel horrible for the victims and their families, but what the hell is going on over there? In the news story linked there is a little throw away line that pirates currently hold 30 ships and 660 hostages. I'm sorry, come again?

There are 660 people in this world that are currently being held at gun point by some skinny little bitch of a teenager wearing a Mello-Yello tee from 1991? And we are doing what about this? Oh sorry, that's right, we sniped two of them a few years back and gave another one a few decades in prison....well bravo, jerk offs. I know that number isn't all Americans, but even one is too many.

I have a solution: Stop negotiating with these rodents, instead send a few Navy SEALs (3 is probably enough, honestly) over there for about 2 months to kill every single bobblehead putts'n around in a 12 foot fishing boat. I'm guessing after somebody has a few friends and siblings getting their noggins blown through they will think twice about even thinking about fucking with an American.

One more solution: HEY PEOPLE ON BOATS, STOP GOING ANYWHERE NEAR EAST AFRICA.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Better Late than Never

News out of Lovelock, NV is that the Juice got worked over by some skinhead a couple months ago. The source that reported this is the always reputable National Enquirer. The prison is now denying any harm done to the Juice, but I have reason to believe that an ass-whooping did indeed occur. You see, just like an angel gets his wings every time a bell rings, I get a little pep in my step every time a double murderer gets a shank in the ribs. I distinctively remember a time this past November when I started skipping around the city for no apparent reason blowing kisses to strangers. Now I know why.

The skinny, according to the Enquirer, is that Orenthal was chilling out in the yard regaling his boys with stories of laying with white women. A neo-nazi overheard OJ's stories and became infuriated that white women would associate with a black man. Naturally, a vicious beating took place. OJ, with his arthritic hands, couldn't muster much of a fight. His massive melon took the brunt of the damage, and he ended up in sick bay for a few weeks. Hmmm. If I were Orenthal, I'd be more inclined to brag about lopping 2 heads off and getting away with it than sexual conquests of Christie Prody.

I so want this story to be true, because no one deserves to end up in the ICU more than our main man OJ (well, maybe those jurors that let him get away with double murder, but that's a whole 'nother post all together).

Beating or not, at least OJ is back to twittering...

Breaking: "Respiratory Infection" a new term for an STD

Two hands for safety, what a gentleman.

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Apparently, following a week long of fundraisers at the Playboy Mansion over 200 people have fallen ill with a "respiratory infection." Yeah, when reached for comment Hugh simply said that whenever he feels sick his doctor tells him to slam two blondes with a glass of water and call in the morning....wow, what a great crowd tonight.

Sorry about that intro, but it is Jay Leno Appreciation Week (9th Annual) around the RTB headquarters. As for the devastating news coming out of LA County this week, it is true that there are 200 documented cases of various illnesses befallen on individuals who were at the Mansion at the beginning of this month. Public health officials believe the cause of the problem is bacteria found in warm water. In other words, a bunch of top-heavy women with questionable morals spent too much time getting smashed (take that verb as you will) in the famed grotto.

Heff has circled the Twitter wagons and made it clear that nobody can prove nothing and therefore all scheduled mass orgies are a go. But, it would appear the legal end of the Bunny Ears Empire is crossing the T's and dotting the lowercase j's, as apparent from this survey unearthed by TMZ (ugh). Our favorite is #4.1, which asks how much time the respondent spent at the grotto, with option D being 4-5 hours. Those who checked 'D' are welcome any time at the RTB Grotto, which may or may not double as a utility closet with a leaky water heater. Steamy...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Birth of a Legend

Welcome home, Mr. Bond

This is Kate Upton (L). You may recognize her as the girl you have always loved but never knew existed. She is one of the "Rookies" in this year's SI Swimsuit Edition and has been a model for Guess? among other stuff. Right, and she is only 18. So, yeah, I think it is safe to say she will be around for awhile.

I like to think of myself as a bit of an expert on which models are going to flip the switch and get launched into the stratosphere of modeldom and she is next. For those keeping score at home I was on the cutting edge of Heidi Klum, Adriana Lima, Bar Refaeli and Irina Shayk. I did not see the Brooklyn Decker love coming, but I'm fine with missing the mark on that one. Of course I have no evidence to back my assertions except for my undying love for the SI Swimsuit Edition since Tyra Banks was on the cover (before she turned into Oprah without any sort of talent) and more specifically the bodypaint portion, which Ms. Upton stars in as well this year.

Links to know: Her Twitter (Followers jumped by a few hundred today), Her Website (WATCH THE INTRO), SI Swimsuit Home

Monday, February 14, 2011

"Please Accept the Offer. I'll Name it Albert--for Serious!"

Thanks Tony, but it didn't work

This will not become an Albert Pujols blog--one more post on this subject should suffice.  As a Cardinals fan, this ongoing saga has put my blood pressure at a healthy 250/190.  So we've all heard by now that Albert rejected the Cardinals offer for an extension.  When did this rejection take place you ask?  No clue.  Some say two weeks ago, some say an offer was never even tendered.  Rumor has it that ESPN jizzed in their corporate pants regarding this story. A summer full of no football just got a whole lot sexier. Scores of media have descended upon Jupiter, Florida.  From spring training, these media members will then follow the Cardinals along all season asking the same question over and over and over: Where will Albert end up next year? 

The most hilarious part of this whole thing is that Albert doesn't want any contract negotiations once he steps foot in the Florida sun because that might be a distraction.  Really?  That makes sense.  The Sir Albert story is already all over the place.  It's reached mass-hysteria levels in St. Louis.  My brother, who is currently serving our country overseas, sent me the following email this morning entitled WTF:  What is this shit? Did Pujols reject the Cardinals offer?? This is going to be a HUGE distraction all year!  That's right-the latest news has already hit our service men and women on an aircraft carrier half way across the world.  For those outside of Cardinal fandom, enjoy the show.  The most entertaining part of the Pujols situation should be La Russa's post-game interviews--especially after a loss.  Oh boy.  We might see Tony start showing up to the presser's like this:

Friday, February 11, 2011

He Gets Paid for This?

We are the cat, SI is the finger, the Pujols saga is the mouse

If you are a white American male chances are superb that you have heard of Albert Pujols. For our non-white, female Lithuanian reader in Philadelphia, Pujols is the best baseball player in the world and one of the best of all time. Albert plays first base for the St. Louis Cardinals and has been in the news more than normal this off-season due to the expiration of his contract at the end of the 2011 season. Pujols gave a deadline to get a deal done by February 16 and to date a deal has yet to be done.The current state of the St. Louis fan base can best be described as delirious over the prospect of losing the face of the franchise.

What you have just read in 10 seconds is everything that everyone in the world knows about the situation. With that being said, you can imagine why my interest was piqued when the front page of SI.com had an article from Jon Heyman titled Could St. Louis lose Pujols? Finally, the reputable Heyman is going to give us an inside look at the contract negotiations that could very well shape the League for the next decade. I clicked on the link with vigor only to find an article that was not only a waste of my time, but an insult to my intelligence. Seriously, check it...

Thursday, February 10, 2011

An Elevated Train Report: The Vulture

I'm in your basement. Seriously.

The Vulture was referenced in passing whilst discussing The Door Man; we shall now delve deeper into this shallow, shameless creature's existence. You surely have seen this bird of prey and most likely have been devoured by him. Oddly, The Vulture's biggest asset is his intelligence. It is this same intelligence that is so well evolved that it lulls you to sleep and by the time you realize you've miscalculated this beast, alas it's too late and you have been....vultured.

To explain The Vulture and his tactics, let us set the scene: It's Tuesday, 8:55 a.m., you may think you're late but you aren't late enough as evidenced by your center location amongst the herd of sheep around you. By some miracle, God has touched your shoulder and given you an opening right next to the door (ah the beauty of only having to deal with one side of your body being worked over by that nice homeless man next to you). The door is nice, you are dealing with this morning like a champ, yet there are choppy waters ahead.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Ft. Wayne Assumes You Are 5 Years-Old

Official Government Photo of Harry Baals

Testes, junk, sack, marbles, nuggets, pills, berries, ping pongs, clangers and.... Harry Baals. These, apparently, are all words people use to describe testicles. If that list made you laugh then you are exactly the person the Ft. Wayne, Indiana government fears.

Mr. Harry Baals was a 4-term mayor of Ft. Wayne in the 30s, 40s and 50s and more recently the runaway winner of public poll picking the honorary name for a new government center. The big Harry Baals Center would, in my mind, be a charming spot to get some real government shit done. But the leadership of Ft. Wayne does not want to give the public what they want for fear that Conan O'Brien will make fun and tarnish a great man's legacy. Family members are not happy as you might imagine. Though, I find it odd that this proud family sneering at us from their, very mature, pedestal felt the need to change the pronunciation of their name from "Balls" to "Bales" over the years. But why? Oh, probably that distant cousin Richard Andy Baals.

Whatever, I say. You are now a joke regardless so you might as well get the publicity and not ignore public opinion like communists would. So the lesson here is Ft. Waynians are communist bastards who refuse to recognize the greatness of Harry Baals in our society.


**Thanks to Dizz in the 'Nati

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Here We Go Again

The rivalry is renewed tomorrow night.  As a mildly obsessed Duke fan, it doesn't get much better than a Duke-UNC game.  I might get to another post tomorrow about the game, but for the time being, step inside and watch some of the finer moments from the rivalry over the past 15 or so years (don't worry you baby blue bitches, I've got some UNC highlights as well).

Monday, February 7, 2011

Champion.


Please excuse the blatant homerism, but half of RTB is extremely interested in Michigan Football and by extension, its alumni. Including your newest World Champion: Charles Woodson.

A pretty good game, as is the norm over the last few years. It really seemed all too perfect for Big Ben and the Steelers to steal another championship late, but credit to the depleted Green Bay secondary for shutting it down. The Steelers deserve credit too for being the inspiration of the best rap song going today: Not Black & Yellow. "She never play Madden, but she got that hit stick." Poetry if I've ever read it.

** Thanks to RTB reader Zilla for the tip.

Friday, February 4, 2011

'Bron Scores Baskets Many Times Over

A gift for your Mom.

Despite our posting track record, we actually really like sports and even follow some of the matches. That being said, we understand that you can get your sports news everywhere and you come to this sight for our financial market analysis and elephants on skates so we usually won't waste anyone's time discussing sporting endeavors. But, there are a few things worth noting right now:

- LeBron got straight nasty wit' it last night dropping 51 on the Magic, including 23 in the first. The real story here is how much the Heat suck. The King goes off and they still barely eeked out the W 104-100. My guess is a second round bow out and a new coach next year. Highlights

- Despite the NFL's proverbial climax last week in the form of the Pro Bowl, the Steelers and Packers still plan on playing the Super Bowl in Dallas this weekend. Here is a breakdown of the game from the aesthetic end and here are the three commercials leaked by WikiLeaks - gotta love Toddler Vadar. Also, if you want the banner pic on a shirt, look here, sicko.

- In the National Hockey League last night, the Boston Bruins and the Dallas Stars had three fights, two goals and a pulled goalie....in the first 2 minutes. Unique.

But...How?

Who's up for a party, Donner style?

The picture above is both a perfect prediction of what the end of the world will look like and a picture of Chicago's famed Lake Shore Drive on Wednesday morning. Yes, we had an awful storm here and yes everyone has been digging themselves out for 4 days and yes we knew it was coming. This last point is where I get a little caught up and realize just how dumb our society can be under pressure. How the hell did all of these people, with multi-day notice, get caught in the middle of blizzard on a road that is literally 4 feet from a Lake Michigan? What the hell where you thinking?

There may be a few plausible explanations for these people's mind-numbing idiocy. For example, maybe they work at a nuclear power plant and had to flip a switch at 5 pm (storm started at 2) or the core of the earth would implode. Or maybe some of these people misread their Pontiac Sunfire's owner's manual and thought the car had flying capabilities. I don't know and honestly I don't care. Another quick question: Where the hell did these people walk after abandoning ship?! Is the Chicago P.D. about to discover 3,000 bodies scattered throughout Lincoln Park? I bet a few of those people wish they had Tonton to cut open and use as sleeping bag.

Finally, what the hell was that bus driver's last words to his passengers? "Attention CTA riders, we know you have a choice in your transportation and it appears you chose wrong. Good bye."