An Elevated Train Report: The Door Man

I ruve it, rhen ree touch...

** A quick note: For those who are old members of the site you will remember the "El Report" as one of our regular columns. The idea is that those of us who live in decaying, urban hell-holes have to take public transportation to get around. Naturally, these rides result in ridiculousness of all shapes, sizes and smells. Hence, the need to make fun of these experiences and people. Also, any person referred to is always a male because we know you beautiful woman would never do this shit.

Today we are discussing one of the most stubborn breeds of public transport users: The Door Man. You know him, you elbow him, you loathe him, but when given the opportunity you most likely become him. DM is the person who gets the pole position next to the door and refuses to give any of his precious real estate. The train could be crowded or it could be relatively empty, either way Door Knob here has worked hard to be in everyone's way and, damn it, that is right where he is going to stay.

Let's back up a little bit: General train etiquette is for the person next to the door, upon reaching a stop that is not his or hers, to move out of the doorway onto to the platform to allow ease of ingress and egress for other passengers. Unfortunately, every so often (read: every single f*cking day) you get Ned the Bull standing strong at his post. Ned's selfishness results in a bottleneck of epic proportions during which fingernails, phones and books all become weapons of choice for those shoving their way out.

Your Door Man is always easy to spot if you are looking. Generally a mid-20s male, on the skinny side with headphones cranked to 11. He may also be spotted by the way he stands ever-so-erect as if to show off his proud position to all the women on the train who are certainly looking for a guy who is such a bitch in every facet of life that he feels the need to be a dick to complete strangers every morning. He won't move an inch despite being physically abused by 27 people at each stop.

Why?! Why DM won't you move for us? We have done nothing to deserve this, yet you insist that we all must squeeze out of this deathtrap tuna can through 1.5 feet of door. Wait a second, I know why he does it --THE VULTURE. The Vulture is...actually, no, this predator deserves his own Report....

Door Man, you blow goats.