Terrible Movies: 2012

We'll be bringing you something like this every once in a while. RTB knows that you have better things to do than watch a crappy movie--we don't. We'll do the leg work and give you a nice recap. You just relax, and thank your lucky stars that we just saved you a couple hours of your life.

There are two types of people in the world: those that love 'end of the world' flicks and those that don't. I used to be able to sit back, enjoy the special effects, ignore slightly ridiculous plots, and just have a grand ol' 2 hours. Not anymore. To steal a phrase from an RTB reader, 2012 'changed the game.'

I went to see this movie at a theater in November 2009. By myself. That's right, not one of my so-called friends would see it with me. If they had been true friends, they would've stopped me from going. They didn't, and me and my stupid, naive self was smiling ear to ear as I said 'one for 2012 please.'

The following plot outline has not been embellished in any way. Sadly, it needs no embellishing. In front of a packed theatre, the story went as such...

It's the year 2012, and John Cusack is a down on his luck writer who drives a limo for some Russian billionaire (let's call him Yuri) to make ends meet. Of course John is divorced, and his adorable kids live with their mom (Amanda Peet) and her smart/funny/good looking new boyfriend-he's a plastic surgeon and an amateur pilot-score one for mom, right ladies? Anywho, this is John's big weekend b/c he gets to take the kids on a camping trip right after he takes Yuri to the airport. Where's Yuri going? Can't tell ya yet, cause it's super secret.

Well the kids aren't tickled pink to be going on a camping trip b/c they can't play their video games or talk on the phone. Kids these days! Well when the kids fall asleep, John grabs a beer and goes walking around Yellowstone. Who doesn't leave their sleeping kids in the wilderness? John stumbles across a trailer that 'houses' a crazy looking Woody Harrelson. Apparently hustling fools on the basketball court didn't work out for him and Sidney. John and Woody bond over some beers, and Woody starts telling John that earthquakes and killer storms are gonna smoke Earth in the coming days and that all the world's governments know about it. Apparently only government officials can read a Mayan calendar. And that's why for the past 20 years or so, the governments of the world have been building huge arks somewhere secret so that the human race can live on after this havoc subsides (hint: the arks are being made in China--really, who else would make them?). Here's the kicker-- you will need a ticket to get on the ark, and Woody says that only rich people will be able to get on because the tickets are super duper expensive. John leaves shortly after Woody finishes babbling. "Psycho," John says to himself as he goes back to his kids who miraculously haven't been murdered yet.

Well John and the kids are on their way back to LA when the damnedest thing happens-a massive earthquake rocks the city. Maybe Woody wasn't so crazy after all, eh John? So what does John do now? Immediately rents a plane (the roads are shot dude), grabs his family, and bolts for the airport. Luckily Amanda convinced John that they need her new boyfriend to come with them 'because he's a pilot damnit.' Great thing about this frantic scene is that no one questions Johnny boy about why the hell they need to fly out of LA. Maybe they did, I don't know. It was a pretty hectic scene.

So they board the plane, and John finally explains the plan: "I met a mentally unstable dude this past weekend that knew this was gonna happen. We need to fly to Yellowstone because he knows where the arks are." "This is crazy, we need to stay here and wait this out," says the boyfriend. "I trust you John," says Amanda. The boyfriend rolls his eyes and takes off just as another earthquake hits the airport and swallows the runway. John shoots the boyfriend an 'I told ya so' smile.

They land at Yellowstone but can't find Woody. Oh well. John remembers that Yuri (remember him?) was flying to Vegas. Wait a second, he's really rich, and he was talking real secretive on the phone when John drove him to the airport. On to Vegas they go, but not before another earthquake swallows up Yellowstone just as they take off. At this point, I couldn't believe their luck. They should head to Vegas...oh wait, they are! Weee!

Oh and real quick: While all this is going on, the President (Danny Glover) addresses the nation. It's no Bill Pullman in Independence Day kind of speech, and I'm betting he did little to raise the morale of the country. Seconds after his speech, a tidal wave rips through DC, and an aircraft carrier hits the White House, killing scores, even el Presidente. I'm dead serious.

Back to Johnny's adventure. They find Yuri in Vegas pretty easily. Those big Russian hats stick out. Yuri plays dumb until the Vegas airport says that all flights are grounded because the earthquakes and storms are now hitting Vegas. John lays it out for Yuri and his family, "I've got a plane right outside this here airport, and the FAA doesn't control me. You tell us where the arks are, and we'll fly you there." Yuri agrees and away they go to China, but not before another near miss with yet another earthquake taking out an airport just before they takeoff. I'm beginning to think that John and company are really gonna make it!

They are airborne for a good while before someone says, "hey China is like really far away, and we're in this little plane. Will we have enough gas?" Panic level reaches an all time high at this point. The consensus is that they don't have enough fuel to get half way around the world in a Cessna. So the usual starts happening: John and Amanda are starting to reconcile, the boyfriend is sort of being an asshole, the big strong Russian is scared, and the kids are playing video games, oblivious to what's going on. Just when you think all hope is lost, we get one more Strasburg-esque curveball. The numerous earthquakes that are hitting every part of the world have actually shifted land--think plate tectonics on steroids. China isn't thousands of miles away anymore. She's just around the corner, and they crash land in some mountain range that just happens to be within a couple miles of the arks. I thought China was a big country. Nope, it's about 5 square miles according to 2012. Oh, Yuri's wife dies in the crash.

Woody was right. There really are a couple arks chilling in China, ready to set sail. Uh oh though. A tidal wave is only minutes away from hitting where the arks are docked! We've gotta load everyone on and get moving people! John and company run to the ark, but only Yuri has a ticket. John's gotta sneak on this bitch. They somehow sneak on, but the ex-boyfriend dies in the process. You see, the door is going to automatically shut in just seconds, and there's not enough time for all of them to get through (think Segal in Executive Decision). The boyfriend sacrficies himself and gives John one of those 'close the door, save yourself, they're your kids, take care of her,' looks. John obliges (sidenote: just classic 'boyfriend came full circle' moment here. He went asshole to hero in a heartbeat). The tidal wave hits, the ark is secure, and people are celebrating. Nevermind the billions of people that just died.

The movie cuts to a couple days later and they're in South Africa--not where your dad's South Africa was though--remember plate tectonics. John and Amanda are smiling as they look out at the open sea. "We're going be ok," John says. "Yeah...yeah," Amanda responds as she snuggles up to John. "We're gonna be just fine." Roll credits.

I shit you not--people starting clapping in the theatre. I just shook my head and got the hell out of there. I texted the other half of RTB and said "I wish it was called 2009, and I wish it was a true story."