Buy Some Love

Listen up handlesticks, Christmas is next week. Yeah, next week as in soon.

So, instead of hammering home your second advent calendar of the month, get to your local merchant and crack open your billfold because it's time to get your loved ones some sweet gifts that you plan on using for the foreseeable future. Traditionally, men get a ton of smack from our female counterparts about our inability to purchase solid gifts. But I have news for you pumpkin, you ain't the shiniest ornament on the fake tree (you overpaid for that last year, by the way). With the agreement that we are all genetically poor gifters due to innate selfishness, without further ado here is the Ultimate RTB Guide to Gifts for Men 2010:

CHEAPER YET AWESOME

• 180 Ear Warmers: For those of us who live in a giant snow globe for 8 months of the year, this is an absolute necessity. For those dudes who live in better climates, suck it. These bad boys are effective and not too dorky looking paired with business attire. If you are looking to really earn some extra love from the recipient be sure to grab the ones with the headphones built in...choiceness. (Buy Here) Kringle Points: 450
• Glove/Mitten Combo: Another cold weather necessity for the man who finds himself doing a ton of shit outside. Whether walking the dog, messing about in the garage, bird watching or mild stalking of the decent looking neighbor, you are going to want and need the ability to have fingers free with the warmth of a mitten. There are thousands of brands and levels of quality so look around. (Starting Point) Kringle Points: 417
• Sunglasses: Who doesn't want a new pair of shades? This is a tough purchase to make for another person, but it's the idea that counts, right? The thought, along with a gift receipt. A lot of people find it hard to validate spending cash on something like sunglasses, but most people are idiots. Help them help themselves. I was at a Sunglass Hut the other day and they had a buy 1 get 1 free going - grab yourself a pair, y'know, for your trouble. (Aviators are back!) Kringle Points: 600
• TV Shows: There are few things in life that hold a candle to a lazy day on a couch ripping through an entire season of that TV show you have been wanting to watch for the last few years. I've done it with the O.C. (what?! It used to be cool), Lost and Friday Night Lights. You, being firmly behind the curve have probably done it with Mad Men, West Wing and Dexter. There are a ton of great shows out there and not just hour long dramas. Coupled with the aforementioned, check out these box sets: Arrested Development, Community (give it a shot!), Summer Heights High (you can thank me later), Eastbound and Down, The Practice, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Archer, etc... You get the point. (Amazon is the best) Kringle Points: 5,000

FOR THOSE YOU SERIOUSLY LIKE

• Johnnie Walker, Blue Label: Ah yes, the silk-lined box, the certificate of authenticity and of course, the taste. I have seen people beat to shit because they tried to throw some ice in their Blue. This liquid gold is worth every penny that crafty Scot is demanding. For a few extra hundo you can get the bottle engraved. "Merry Xmas RTB, Love - Your Reader" has a nice ring to it. (Drinky Drinky) Kringle Points: 20,000 (Bird Value Pick!)
• Amazon Kindle: My generation doesn't read enough. We love electronic gadgets and gizmos and we hate Flo from Progressive. A sad state of affairs to be sure. Why not combine electricity with the written word? Chances are good you have one and are sick of your "loved one" wanting to creep all up on it. Remedy that issue. (Wi-Fi is cool) Kringle Points: 16,000

YOU ARE A SAINT

• Apple iPad: I seriously dislike a lot about Apple, like, jihad dislike. But there is no denying they make pretty sweet products that almost always work all the time. I have played with the iPad once or twice and it is pretty cool. Also, this has the Kindle capabilities so really you are giving two gifts which is worth at least an extra high-five from the giftee. There is some added cost though, since apparently you have to be dressed in all American Appearal Hipster shit to use one (see the ever-present ad campaign). (Better price elsewhere probably) (He must workout) Kringle Points: 25,000
• Leather Briefcase: You know you are getting old when this gift gets you all sorts of jacked up. There is nothing worse for a dude than putting together a solid business look for a big day and then having to throw a Jansport backpack over the shoulder. Get yourself a badass leather briefcase and you can show up in your footsie PJs and still dominate the boardroom dojo. Personally, I'm all about the Saddleback Leather Co. and its products. The combo of the nice oak finish to their website and the 100 year warranty makes for a nice place to buy. You pay for quality for sure. (Do it for Him, Woman!) Kringle Points: 60,000