Ok, that headline is slightly misleading. Well, not really I guess. A few months back a South Side Chicago dog did relieve itself on some grass, thereby killing it. Unfortunately that grass was owned by Charles Clements, a 69 year-old kook who takes an uncomfortable amount of pride in his lawn. After Fido did his thing, Chuck confronted the pet's owner, father of three Joshua Funches, and informed him that his lawn was not to be tampered with. Sad, short story shorter: Funches told the old man to stick it, the old man popped his corks and killed Funches. This is where things get stupid...
Despite all sorts of logic and legal precedence smacking him across the face, the judge decided Mr. Clements' actions deserved no more than 4 years of probation. No electric chair, no firing squad, no prison and certainly no community service. The judge's reasoning for allowing a human being to kill another in cold blood: This murder was sweet old Charles' first brush with the law. Ohhhh, it's so clear now! Thank you Judge Daniel Rozak, murder is now an okay activity as long as you have never been nabbed for jay-walking or speeding.
Only in Chicago.
As crazy as old people are about their lawns, I'm surprised that this doesn't happen a couple times a week. What is this guy doing guarding his yard with a .45? Old people scare the shit out of me.
ReplyDeleteClements, his family, and his attorney are all "very satisfied" and "very thankful to the judge" -- NO SHIT! The guy just killed a man, let alone a 23 yr old father of 3 who clearly has way more going for him in life than this old prick who only loves his fresh, piss free lawn. And the judge says "well youve been so good for 69 years... dont let it happen again."
ReplyDeleteI tell ya what there is nothing I hate more than some dicknose steppin on my new shoes. So next time some drunk asshole at Maxbar scuffs up my crispy new air forces, I'll be thinking "hey I gotta clean record...its time to ride on this mark ass trick!" Then, stomp him out real good like Earl "the snake" White and the River Terrace Crew did General Cornrow Wallace
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBhGresbLEw&feature=related
All the best,
BillZilla
P.S. Prrrrrr
If only the other 7 of RTB's readers would comment as well as B2K, we'd have something going here...
ReplyDeleteI heard that the defense team had a whippersnapper paralegal named 'Ms. Row-ark' and that the closing argument had the judge in tears after he was told to picture the same thing happening to a white man's yard.
Our society cannot condone men who take the law into their own hands.
ReplyDeletePreach on Rufus!
ReplyDeleteAmen Mr. Clements!
ReplyDeleteI'm sick of all these bitches traipsing through my yard and pissing on all of my favorite spots so that the next time I have to take a leak and its 20 below outside I can't find a GD clean patch to handle my business.
Watch out Snickers, you're next.
Well, well, well--if it isn't the mean bean. Good to hear from you, ya horse bangin' skank. Now we just need Good Time Jones to jump in here, and we'll have ourselves an 'old RTB' party. Where you at GTJ?
ReplyDeleteHey, hey, hey... Glad to see the whole crew is here.
ReplyDeleteThis is why I have tried to stay clean all these years. Use common sense and logic when conflict ensues, but one day I am going to cash it all in... in a blaze of glory.