An RTB Plea: Stop Going to Bars by Yourself

First off, this doesn't apply to you business folk who must fly solo at Applebees on the road-stay strong! We are talking directly to those people that wander into some establishment, saddle up to the bar, and start chirping. For one thing, your non-stop chatter with the bartender makes it harder for us to get drinks. Also, we really don't want you butting in on our conversations. Sidenote: why are these guys so clueless about sports? They love to chat you up, but they drop gems like, "can you believe the QB didn't get flagged for 3 seconds? He was in the pocket forever!" However, as annoying as these loud loners are, they aren't nearly as bad as their brethren: creepy bar guy.

Everyone has come across this guy, but if you want to see a graduate level course on creepiness at bars-watch Dahmer. The guy who you used to 'shoulder tap' outside of 7-11 back in high school who would then ask you "where's the party at?" shivers at the thought of creepy bar guy. The old guy that videotapes playgrounds from behind a bush 'because uh, because, my bitch ex wife won't let me see the kids, yeah that's it," wouldn't mingle with creepy bar guy. He doesn't sit, he lurks. He doesn't drink, he slowly sips. He's not looking for a good time, he's looking for his next victim.

Let's take you back a few years ago to give you a classic example of what we're talking about. RTB was in Milwaukee (hallowed ground for bar creepiness thanks to the aforementioned Jeff the Chef) to take in a few baseball games between the Cards and Brewers. On a Saturday night we arrive at a bar and order a couple beers. We haven't taken a sip before we hear, "good game today, huh?" A couple bar stools down is a 40-something year old dude by himself dressed in a Tom Brady Michigan jersey, white washed jeans, a flat brimmed trucker hat, and coke bottle glasses. His sly smile, illuminating what appeared to be wooden teeth, got us a tad concerned. What game was he talking about? There wasn't a TV in sight, and there was no way that he went to the baseball game as he looked like he'd been at the bar since Brady was under center in Ann Arbor. Nice try. We immediately slam the beers and bolt as this guy starts laughing to himself. Had we talked to this guy, we would've come to under a bridge, hogtied, as this guy danced around us with women's clothes on--of this we are convinced.

Here's the news flash: if you're not "loud loner," odds are that you're "creepy bar guy." No benefit of the doubt can be given, and there's no middle ground. So please, as the holiday bowl season kicks off this weekend, before you head to the bars, grab some friends or stay down. Even if on the off chance that you're not on the prowl, you'll still be causing a lot of stress to people who just want to have a good time.

*The preceding does not apply to RTB reader Sam Elliott--you do what you do sir.*