The Great Santa Gift Debate

"You're an idiot."

"I'm an idiot? Fine, but at least my mom isn't a whore."

"Dude, I seriously hate you."

"Yeah, I hate you too. One more thing though, your childhood was shit. Merry Christmas."

If you are cool and give a damn about your life you have most likely engaged in a pretty similar conversation with anyone not in your immediate family. Throughout the year, be it July or December, I find myself passionately arguing about the proper manner in which gifts "from Santa" should be presented under the tree on Christmas Morning. There really are two methods worth noting and if your family practiced some other tradition, well, then your mother IS a whore.

WRAPPED V. UNWRAPPED

This is the heart of it. Should gifts from the big man be unwrapped, assembled and ready to roll or wrapped, boxed, not yet assembled and void of love? Should a 10 year-old's favorite morning be spent staring at the picture of the GI Joe battle station on the box or should that little guy's morning be filled with the sights and sounds of GI Joe blasting Cobra Commander's commie-loving ass back to the Stone Age? Is there any thing better than running out that morning, spotting the tree seemingly stuffed with presents and wading through the boxes looking for the tags with your name on it? Some might say yes, there is something better. Namely, running out that morning, seeing a ton of wrapped gifts under the tree coupled with a few big ticket items sitting there like a newborn all innocent, naked and screaming for you to coddle them....ok, let's slow down.

Yes, Admiral Analysis, I grew up in a household where the gifts coming from the Pole were unwrapped, untagged and chalk full of instant gratification. The picture above is precisely what parents should present to their tikes on the 25th. Bad-ass, pick of the litter presents deserve to be showcased for all to see as the tree first comes into sight. Gifts from everyone else get the wrap treatment and are there to give the Christmas eco-system balance by injecting speed bumps and suspense into the otherwise complete demolition job.

These are all practical arguments for ditching the paper. Yet, 86'n the wrapping also has some practical Christmas Magic arguments too. For example, if gifts come from Santa's midget workshop, then why would a nerf crossbow come in a box? And another thing, why is the "To: Bird, From: SC" tag in my mom's handwriting? Or in the same paper as the gifts from my old man? Kids ask questions, demand answers and can be pretty skeptical when answers don't seem to add up.

I just can't see any positive in wrapping gifts from Claus. Unless you hate your kids.