I Can't Wait to Own a House

Those that live in apartments know of the trade off you get with hardwood floors.  You get the nice look without the dirty carpet, but you also get the paper thin ceilings.  Back in the day, RTB shared an apartment in the Chicago area.  We were on the second floor of a three-flat.  Our sprawling apartment had beautiful hardwood floors, and we were ecstatic--until about a week after we moved into the place.  We are convinced that the guy that lived above us worked for Boeing on a special project.  Boeing had asked him to build a 747 in his apartment, and he would have to do this task on his own time--after work.  To his credit, he worked like a sumbitch, putting in about 25 -30 hours a week during weeknights to complete the project.  We left before the guy above us finished building the jumbo jet.  True story: the three-flat was later set ablaze.  Our thinking is that the Boeing dude got pissed once he finished the plane and realized he couldn't fit it down the stairs.  To our knowledge, no charges were brought against him though.

Fast forward a few years, and I'm begging for the Boeing guy instead of what I have now.  Currently, my wife and I are living below two of the worst people imaginable.  These people (pictured above--roughly) apparently have a touch of paranoid schizophrenia, which would explain why they march back and forth in their apartment for about 20 hours a day, 7 days a week.  From working from home a couple days and being home on the weekends, we know that these wonderful people take no breaks.  They even get their dog involved in the marching which usually sets off our dog on a barking spree.  It's really quite a symphony we have going.  The constant stomping with a couple dogs barking their heads off can be a very soothing sound.

Last night the marching relented for a few minutes, which was met with applause from our apartment.  Oh how naive we were.  A couple minutes after their final stomp, I heard a ruffle of a moan.  At first, I thought that makes sense, I'd be moaning too if I stomped 140 hours a week for the past 6 months.  Then I heard more moaning --moaning that might accompany 200 hours a week of marching.  Hey, wait a sec.  More moaning.  I finally figured it out.  Please start marching again.  Please.  A couple more minutes of moaning and then silence.  Moments later, they were back to their posts, and I was on craigslist looking for a new apartment.  I wonder if they fit the Code of Harry...

Archer has Returned

Another Sunday afternoon at the Archer household

I get the sneaky feeling that not enough people in this world are watching "Archer" on FX. The show is just phenomenal and I don't want our readers missing out.

Season 2 premiered last night (10 pm est) and the episode involved all of the following: Twin terrorists with the same girlfriend, Archer being constantly molested by a scantily clad European heiress (17 years-old, by the way), Archer using a home-made flamethrower of sorts to sizzle the terrorists, a topless snowmobile chase involving guns with lots of explosions and a absinthe-induced threesome between a European King, a old woman and a pleasantly plump 30 something. Did I mention the show is a cartoon?

Work Hard, Play Hard

For your information, "Archer" is a play on the spy genre set in some type of mash-up of today and the late Sixties. A typical episode starts with the agency (ISIS) being hired to foil some generic plot (kidnapping, bombing, government coup) which requires the work of the world famous Sterling Archer. The combination of extremely witty writing along with the fact that every character screws everything that walks (and the mission for that matter) makes this show a must-see. Very sensual.

The new episode isn't up yet on Hulu, but there are some old episodes and great clips. More fluff here.

Terrible Movies: Open Water 2: Adrift

We'll be bringing you something like this every once in a while. RTB knows that you have better things to do than watch a crappy movie--we don't. We'll do the leg work and give you a nice recap. You just relax, and thank your lucky stars that we just saved you a couple hours of your life.

Oh goodness gracious.  This movie clearly did for absurd movie plots what Muhammad Ali did for boxing.  I've wanted to post a movie review about this flick for some time now, but each time I tried to write, I found myself jumping all over the place trying to explain it.  So, I consulted a wise author who offered the following advice: "Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop."  I shall now attempt this daunting task.

Here's Your Hockey Post

We try to give you guys about one solid hockey post every five years or so.  This is from the Onion sports show that is currently airing on comedy central (Tuesday nights, 9:30pm central, I believe).  It's a show that must be watched. 

This Could be a Problem For You, a Big One

Is that Hanger? Nuts!

Say hello to Senator Emmett Hanger, and now say goodbye to your balls....if you are on Chris Hanson's radar. The republican from Virginia is not a fan of violent sexual offenders and as a result he would prefer that their nuggets get ground to a fine dust. Sen. Hanger's proposed bill would not only cause immense pain (no anesthesia, right?) to the scum of our society, but it would also cut the prison budget. Simply put, a win/win.

This is one of those things were everybody is all for it until it's their marbles in the vice. Seriously, before you write your local elected official demanding this treatment for pervs in your area, I would give a looksie at what constitutes a "sexual offense" in your neighborhood. For example, you are an 18 year-old freshman in college and your roommate, Klug, has his 17 year-old sister up to visit for the weekend. Naturally, the two of you (no, not you and Klug) get to hammering a bunch of 4-Loko's and BOOM - you have now committed statutory rape of Klugette.

"I hope you enjoyed your balls one last time" sneered Senator Hanger.

Source

Jay Cutler's Biggest Problem

I said I play lacrosse for Duke, so.....

We promise to cover the pending Super Bowl between the Packers and Steelers in great detail in the days leading up to that epic showdown, but first we need to talk about Jay Cutler.

Just in case you have been declared legally dead for the last three days here is the brief rundown: Jay Cutler plays football for the Chicago Bears. Jay Cutler plays the quarterback position for the Chicago Bears. The Chicago Bears played the Green Bay Packers in the National Football Conference Championship on Sunday, January 23, 2011. Jay, seemingly injured, sat out the second half of said game. As the game was played out, fellow NFLers took to Twitter to bash Jay as a bitch. The Chicago Bears lost to the Green Bay Packers. Jay has been diagnosed with a torn MCL, a real injury. People don't care that Jay is actually injured because they hate his attitude and his face, apparently. Moving on....

Cutler's problem is not his knee, it's not his attitude, it isn't his body language or even the fact that he is dating that hot chick from Laguna Beach (why would that be a problem? Right, I don't know, stay focused). Clearly, JC's problem boils down to one horrible, horrible thing: His doofy, dumbass haircut.

Baby Spice Engaged! This is not Newsworthy!

Sir Cowell can't believe you would suggest a t-shirt

I have now seen this story on 4 different "news" websites, heard it on three radio stations and written about it once (counting this time writing about it). Emma Bunton of Spice Girls fame is engaged to a guy she had a kid with 3 years ago. Please file this earth-shattering news under "Caring: I could do no less."

And this is the part where you people, or should I say sheeple, drop down on me with force yelling: "Bird, by writing about it you are only furthering it as a story and validating it as news." I have a two-pronged response to your clever attack: 1) Nobody reads this site so my actions really have very little influence on the world; and 2) I don't care, Baby Spice was always my favorite.

On a serious note, it is quite incredible that 5 relatively average looking British women hand-picked by Simon Cowell 17 years ago (no sexual favors there, I'm sure) have had such a lasting impact on our culture. It's always the stupid shit that sticks with us, not the dynamite stuff like hypercolor clothing or koosh balls.

The Huffington Post is reputable