He Gets Paid for This?

We are the cat, SI is the finger, the Pujols saga is the mouse

If you are a white American male chances are superb that you have heard of Albert Pujols. For our non-white, female Lithuanian reader in Philadelphia, Pujols is the best baseball player in the world and one of the best of all time. Albert plays first base for the St. Louis Cardinals and has been in the news more than normal this off-season due to the expiration of his contract at the end of the 2011 season. Pujols gave a deadline to get a deal done by February 16 and to date a deal has yet to be done.The current state of the St. Louis fan base can best be described as delirious over the prospect of losing the face of the franchise.

What you have just read in 10 seconds is everything that everyone in the world knows about the situation. With that being said, you can imagine why my interest was piqued when the front page of SI.com had an article from Jon Heyman titled Could St. Louis lose Pujols? Finally, the reputable Heyman is going to give us an inside look at the contract negotiations that could very well shape the League for the next decade. I clicked on the link with vigor only to find an article that was not only a waste of my time, but an insult to my intelligence. Seriously, check it...

An Elevated Train Report: The Vulture

I'm in your basement. Seriously.

The Vulture was referenced in passing whilst discussing The Door Man; we shall now delve deeper into this shallow, shameless creature's existence. You surely have seen this bird of prey and most likely have been devoured by him. Oddly, The Vulture's biggest asset is his intelligence. It is this same intelligence that is so well evolved that it lulls you to sleep and by the time you realize you've miscalculated this beast, alas it's too late and you have been....vultured.

To explain The Vulture and his tactics, let us set the scene: It's Tuesday, 8:55 a.m., you may think you're late but you aren't late enough as evidenced by your center location amongst the herd of sheep around you. By some miracle, God has touched your shoulder and given you an opening right next to the door (ah the beauty of only having to deal with one side of your body being worked over by that nice homeless man next to you). The door is nice, you are dealing with this morning like a champ, yet there are choppy waters ahead.

Ft. Wayne Assumes You Are 5 Years-Old

Official Government Photo of Harry Baals

Testes, junk, sack, marbles, nuggets, pills, berries, ping pongs, clangers and.... Harry Baals. These, apparently, are all words people use to describe testicles. If that list made you laugh then you are exactly the person the Ft. Wayne, Indiana government fears.

Mr. Harry Baals was a 4-term mayor of Ft. Wayne in the 30s, 40s and 50s and more recently the runaway winner of public poll picking the honorary name for a new government center. The big Harry Baals Center would, in my mind, be a charming spot to get some real government shit done. But the leadership of Ft. Wayne does not want to give the public what they want for fear that Conan O'Brien will make fun and tarnish a great man's legacy. Family members are not happy as you might imagine. Though, I find it odd that this proud family sneering at us from their, very mature, pedestal felt the need to change the pronunciation of their name from "Balls" to "Bales" over the years. But why? Oh, probably that distant cousin Richard Andy Baals.

Whatever, I say. You are now a joke regardless so you might as well get the publicity and not ignore public opinion like communists would. So the lesson here is Ft. Waynians are communist bastards who refuse to recognize the greatness of Harry Baals in our society.

Source

**Thanks to Dizz in the 'Nati

Here We Go Again

The rivalry is renewed tomorrow night.  As a mildly obsessed Duke fan, it doesn't get much better than a Duke-UNC game.  I might get to another post tomorrow about the game, but for the time being, step inside and watch some of the finer moments from the rivalry over the past 15 or so years (don't worry you baby blue bitches, I've got some UNC highlights as well).

Champion.

Please excuse the blatant homerism, but half of RTB is extremely interested in Michigan Football and by extension, its alumni. Including your newest World Champion: Charles Woodson.

A pretty good game, as is the norm over the last few years. It really seemed all too perfect for Big Ben and the Steelers to steal another championship late, but credit to the depleted Green Bay secondary for shutting it down. The Steelers deserve credit too for being the inspiration of the best rap song going today: Not Black & Yellow. "She never play Madden, but she got that hit stick." Poetry if I've ever read it.

** Thanks to RTB reader Zilla for the tip.

'Bron Scores Baskets Many Times Over

A gift for your Mom.

Despite our posting track record, we actually really like sports and even follow some of the matches. That being said, we understand that you can get your sports news everywhere and you come to this sight for our financial market analysis and elephants on skates so we usually won't waste anyone's time discussing sporting endeavors. But, there are a few things worth noting right now:

- LeBron got straight nasty wit' it last night dropping 51 on the Magic, including 23 in the first. The real story here is how much the Heat suck. The King goes off and they still barely eeked out the W 104-100. My guess is a second round bow out and a new coach next year. Highlights

- Despite the NFL's proverbial climax last week in the form of the Pro Bowl, the Steelers and Packers still plan on playing the Super Bowl in Dallas this weekend. Here is a breakdown of the game from the aesthetic end and here are the three commercials leaked by WikiLeaks - gotta love Toddler Vadar. Also, if you want the banner pic on a shirt, look here, sicko.

- In the National Hockey League last night, the Boston Bruins and the Dallas Stars had three fights, two goals and a pulled goalie....in the first 2 minutes. Unique.

But...How?

Who's up for a party, Donner style?

The picture above is both a perfect prediction of what the end of the world will look like and a picture of Chicago's famed Lake Shore Drive on Wednesday morning. Yes, we had an awful storm here and yes everyone has been digging themselves out for 4 days and yes we knew it was coming. This last point is where I get a little caught up and realize just how dumb our society can be under pressure. How the hell did all of these people, with multi-day notice, get caught in the middle of blizzard on a road that is literally 4 feet from a Lake Michigan? What the hell where you thinking?

There may be a few plausible explanations for these people's mind-numbing idiocy. For example, maybe they work at a nuclear power plant and had to flip a switch at 5 pm (storm started at 2) or the core of the earth would implode. Or maybe some of these people misread their Pontiac Sunfire's owner's manual and thought the car had flying capabilities. I don't know and honestly I don't care. Another quick question: Where the hell did these people walk after abandoning ship?! Is the Chicago P.D. about to discover 3,000 bodies scattered throughout Lincoln Park? I bet a few of those people wish they had Tonton to cut open and use as sleeping bag.

Finally, what the hell was that bus driver's last words to his passengers? "Attention CTA riders, we know you have a choice in your transportation and it appears you chose wrong. Good bye."