Monday, January 31, 2011

I Can't Wait to Own a House

Those that live in apartments know of the trade off you get with hardwood floors.  You get the nice look without the dirty carpet, but you also get the paper thin ceilings.  Back in the day, RTB shared an apartment in the Chicago area.  We were on the second floor of a three-flat.  Our sprawling apartment had beautiful hardwood floors, and we were ecstatic--until about a week after we moved into the place.  We are convinced that the guy that lived above us worked for Boeing on a special project.  Boeing had asked him to build a 747 in his apartment, and he would have to do this task on his own time--after work.  To his credit, he worked like a sumbitch, putting in about 25 -30 hours a week during weeknights to complete the project.  We left before the guy above us finished building the jumbo jet.  True story: the three-flat was later set ablaze.  Our thinking is that the Boeing dude got pissed once he finished the plane and realized he couldn't fit it down the stairs.  To our knowledge, no charges were brought against him though.

Fast forward a few years, and I'm begging for the Boeing guy instead of what I have now.  Currently, my wife and I are living below two of the worst people imaginable.  These people (pictured above--roughly) apparently have a touch of paranoid schizophrenia, which would explain why they march back and forth in their apartment for about 20 hours a day, 7 days a week.  From working from home a couple days and being home on the weekends, we know that these wonderful people take no breaks.  They even get their dog involved in the marching which usually sets off our dog on a barking spree.  It's really quite a symphony we have going.  The constant stomping with a couple dogs barking their heads off can be a very soothing sound.

Last night the marching relented for a few minutes, which was met with applause from our apartment.  Oh how naive we were.  A couple minutes after their final stomp, I heard a ruffle of a moan.  At first, I thought that makes sense, I'd be moaning too if I stomped 140 hours a week for the past 6 months.  Then I heard more moaning --moaning that might accompany 200 hours a week of marching.  Hey, wait a sec.  More moaning.  I finally figured it out.  Please start marching again.  Please.  A couple more minutes of moaning and then silence.  Moments later, they were back to their posts, and I was on craigslist looking for a new apartment.  I wonder if they fit the Code of Harry...

Friday, January 28, 2011

Archer has Returned

Another Sunday afternoon at the Archer household

I get the sneaky feeling that not enough people in this world are watching "Archer" on FX. The show is just phenomenal and I don't want our readers missing out.

Season 2 premiered last night (10 pm est) and the episode involved all of the following: Twin terrorists with the same girlfriend, Archer being constantly molested by a scantily clad European heiress (17 years-old, by the way), Archer using a home-made flamethrower of sorts to sizzle the terrorists, a topless snowmobile chase involving guns with lots of explosions and a absinthe-induced threesome between a European King, a old woman and a pleasantly plump 30 something. Did I mention the show is a cartoon?

Work Hard, Play Hard

For your information, "Archer" is a play on the spy genre set in some type of mash-up of today and the late Sixties. A typical episode starts with the agency (ISIS) being hired to foil some generic plot (kidnapping, bombing, government coup) which requires the work of the world famous Sterling Archer. The combination of extremely witty writing along with the fact that every character screws everything that walks (and the mission for that matter) makes this show a must-see. Very sensual.

The new episode isn't up yet on Hulu, but there are some old episodes and great clips. More fluff here.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Terrible Movies: Open Water 2: Adrift

We'll be bringing you something like this every once in a while. RTB knows that you have better things to do than watch a crappy movie--we don't. We'll do the leg work and give you a nice recap. You just relax, and thank your lucky stars that we just saved you a couple hours of your life.

Oh goodness gracious.  This movie clearly did for absurd movie plots what Muhammad Ali did for boxing.  I've wanted to post a movie review about this flick for some time now, but each time I tried to write, I found myself jumping all over the place trying to explain it.  So, I consulted a wise author who offered the following advice: "Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop."  I shall now attempt this daunting task.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Here's Your Hockey Post

We try to give you guys about one solid hockey post every five years or so.  This is from the Onion sports show that is currently airing on comedy central (Tuesday nights, 9:30pm central, I believe).  It's a show that must be watched. 

This Could be a Problem For You, a Big One

Is that Hanger? Nuts!

Say hello to Senator Emmett Hanger, and now say goodbye to your balls....if you are on Chris Hanson's radar. The republican from Virginia is not a fan of violent sexual offenders and as a result he would prefer that their nuggets get ground to a fine dust. Sen. Hanger's proposed bill would not only cause immense pain (no anesthesia, right?) to the scum of our society, but it would also cut the prison budget. Simply put, a win/win.

This is one of those things were everybody is all for it until it's their marbles in the vice. Seriously, before you write your local elected official demanding this treatment for pervs in your area, I would give a looksie at what constitutes a "sexual offense" in your neighborhood. For example, you are an 18 year-old freshman in college and your roommate, Klug, has his 17 year-old sister up to visit for the weekend. Naturally, the two of you (no, not you and Klug) get to hammering a bunch of 4-Loko's and BOOM - you have now committed statutory rape of Klugette.

"I hope you enjoyed your balls one last time" sneered Senator Hanger.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Jay Cutler's Biggest Problem

I said I play lacrosse for Duke, so.....

We promise to cover the pending Super Bowl between the Packers and Steelers in great detail in the days leading up to that epic showdown, but first we need to talk about Jay Cutler.

Just in case you have been declared legally dead for the last three days here is the brief rundown: Jay Cutler plays football for the Chicago Bears. Jay Cutler plays the quarterback position for the Chicago Bears. The Chicago Bears played the Green Bay Packers in the National Football Conference Championship on Sunday, January 23, 2011. Jay, seemingly injured, sat out the second half of said game. As the game was played out, fellow NFLers took to Twitter to bash Jay as a bitch. The Chicago Bears lost to the Green Bay Packers. Jay has been diagnosed with a torn MCL, a real injury. People don't care that Jay is actually injured because they hate his attitude and his face, apparently. Moving on....

Cutler's problem is not his knee, it's not his attitude, it isn't his body language or even the fact that he is dating that hot chick from Laguna Beach (why would that be a problem? Right, I don't know, stay focused). Clearly, JC's problem boils down to one horrible, horrible thing: His doofy, dumbass haircut.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Baby Spice Engaged! This is not Newsworthy!

Sir Cowell can't believe you would suggest a t-shirt

I have now seen this story on 4 different "news" websites, heard it on three radio stations and written about it once (counting this time writing about it). Emma Bunton of Spice Girls fame is engaged to a guy she had a kid with 3 years ago. Please file this earth-shattering news under "Caring: I could do no less."

And this is the part where you people, or should I say sheeple, drop down on me with force yelling: "Bird, by writing about it you are only furthering it as a story and validating it as news." I have a two-pronged response to your clever attack: 1) Nobody reads this site so my actions really have very little influence on the world; and 2) I don't care, Baby Spice was always my favorite.

On a serious note, it is quite incredible that 5 relatively average looking British women hand-picked by Simon Cowell 17 years ago (no sexual favors there, I'm sure) have had such a lasting impact on our culture. It's always the stupid shit that sticks with us, not the dynamite stuff like hypercolor clothing or koosh balls.

An Elevated Train Report: The Masher


** A quick note: For those who are old members of the site you will remember the "El Report" as one of our regular columns. The idea is that those of us who live in decaying, urban hell-holes have to take public transportation to get around. Naturally, these rides result in ridiculousness of all shapes, sizes and smells. Hence, the need to make fun of these experiences and people. Also, any person referred to will be in the male context because we know you beautiful woman would never do this shit.

The Masher ranks pretty high as far as people who deserve a bullet in the head. This rider smashes, slams and bullies his way onto the train or bus no matter the situation. Does it not matter to this guy that there is absolutely no room and the people he is cramming into include a person who smells like old Jordache shoes, a person coughing every other second and a homeless dude wearing a disturbingly low amount of clothing? Nope, he doesn't give a damn -- The Masher needs to make that train!!

I'm guessing his thoughts range from the logical ("I'm late and don't care") to the mildly entertaining ("I can't stand people so I'm going to use this environment as an excuse to inflict pain") to the absolutely insane ("If I don't make this train I may have to wait a whole minute for the next one!"). I hate these guys mostly because I am of the strong belief 90% of them subscribe to the third line of thinking. Listen here jackwagon: There will be another train very, very soon. You are already late, we don't have room and you are fat. Get the hell out of here.

Within this species of handlesticks resides a small sub-species: The Mish-Mash Backpack. Yes, this is someone to be very afraid of and should be avoided at all costs. This person consists of 100% Masher and 100% Jansport backpack. In a nutshell, this guy forces his way into a situation where he certainly is regarded as a mortal enemy by those around him, does not show any remorse for the extreme chaos he has caused and, to top it all off, he has come aboard with half of the Library of Congress on his back. You son of a bitch. No, no, no, I don't mind that your calculator is digging into my hip or that the edge of your organic chemistry book is cracking my L5 vertebrae; you keep on riding brother.

The Masher is a rare breed in that you can almost understand his logic but you also want to smash his solarplex at the first opportunity. Your best remedy is to admit your defeat and get off that train to catch the next one with ample leg room. Although, you're late so you probably don't want to do that.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

Not in any way relevant

Sorry for the semi-hiatus. We know that your world was shattered, up was down and black was white over the last week or so. What kind of blog gets a little mojo going, tops 15 readers in one day (!), really starts becoming hilariously funny and then stops? Nobody, except for us idiots naturally. Anyway, that is all in the past because we are here again. In honor of your great loyalty, I have decided to run down the 5 biggest stories during our time off and drop a line or two that would have most likely not have had its own post if we were here. To the Trees! :

1. Ricky Gervais hosted a show and offended some weaklings: I didn't watch this live, but have since seen his opening shots since everyone was talking about it. Sooooo, this was not that bad, right? He had the balls to make fun of Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp and even took a shot at Robert Downey, Jr., well holy shit. Synopsis: These liberal assclowns get pampered every day and told how great they are and when one of their own makes half-hearted jokes just to get ratings they want the world to feel bad for them thereby drawing more attention to their pathetic lives. Suck it Hollywood.

2. NFL action! The Jets beat Peyton Manning and Tom Brady in a 8-day stretch. Impressive. The Packers absolutely dismantled the pretender Falcons and squeaked by Vick (insert dog killing joke here). Good work. The Bears' luck continued after the Seahawks beat the Saints, so the Bears got to beat a 2-13 team at home to go to the NFC Championship. Posers. And the Yinzers from the Burgh took advantage of 41 Raven turnovers to advance to the AFC Championship. Oh yeah, everyone in the world watched all of these games thereby making everyone associated with the NFL many monies. Yet, the owners and players may have a lock-out next year because they can't decide how to split $900 billion equally. Logic wins the day!

3. An Arizona punkbitch shot some people: This is buried at #3 because it is so sad and enrages me to no end. Some kid decides driving to a Safeway and shooting at a political official and some innocents is the best way to become famous? In my book that is the best way to get a shiv in the shower from Dirty Ears Bill. My guess is that this idiot is wishing he ordered one more Double Double from In N' Out and gave the whole shooting spree idea another thought. What is up with West Coast kids? The worst.

4. Auburn won the National Championship: Remember when your hot 3rd grade teacher told you money can't buy happiness when you were running that NCAA Tourney pool? Well, Gene Chizik thinks that flousy was full of shit. Auburn proved that not only can a team blatantly pay players and the NCAA won't care, but also that karma doesn't give a damn either. I am seriously ashamed to say college football is my favorite sport. Enjoy the 6th Round money, Cam.

5. I finished Season 2 of The Wire: Oh yeah, this is definitely news. Definitely. Suck it, Ziggy.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

"Can You Hear Me Juice?"

College football is over folks.  We here at RTB would like to congratulate the Auburn Tigers for a job well done.  Also, what a terrific season for Mr. Cam Newton.  As a Heisman winner, I'm sure he's got nothing but smooth sailing in front of him--just as long as he stays away from white women and waiters. 

There are few things on the internets as priceless as the following video.  It needs to be watched about 30-40 times to fully appreciate just all the great things it has to offer.  If only we had the video footage from the meeting where it was agreed that this call-in show could make it big if it could just get a big name guest, like Orenthal...

Friday, January 7, 2011

Great Moments in Gambling History

I'll assume that most of you are not degenerates, and that you have no idea who Dan Mahowny is.  For those that do, you know nothing beats the rush of placing a wager on some sports action.  And absolutely nothing beats the feeling of a lost bet becoming a winner in an instant.  Since I haven't seen most of you at my GA meetings, I'll explain this nice and slow.  Last night, the Oklahoma City Thunder took on the Dallas Mavericks on TNT .  With nothing else on TV except the GoDaddy Bowl, I decided to tune in to some NBA hoops and place a wager on....the Over (192.5) of course. For you novices, that means that I needed the total points scored by both teams to be greater than 192.5.  193 would work just fine.  With about 25 seconds left, Oklahoma City was up  99-92, and Dallas had the ball (that's 191 points folk--just need a basket).  OKC wasn't playing much defense as they were just making sure Dallas didn't jack up any uncontested threes.  Layups were welcome.  Dallas saw this and decided to get a quick two points.  Well, some kook on the Mavericks channeled David Wesley and totally bricked the layup. The rebound went to OKC with 16 seconds to go.  Shot clock off + Dallas coach screaming "no fouls"= Disaster for over-backers.  Kevin Durant had the ball and was just dribbling out the clock as I cursed that Maverick idiot for missing such an easy deuce.  With still only 191 points on the board, the best was lost.  Until one of the strangest things I've ever seen in my gambling life happened....

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Facebook Gangsta, You Lose

This video is popping up around the blog-o-dome and while we usually shy away from posting things that you 12 read elsewhere, this baby deserves an RTB reco. In case your white suburban-ass can't understand what is happening - this guy caught his nephew acting all hard on The Facebook and didn't really think his nephew should be acting in such a manner. So, he peaks so hard all over him that all of the Tubes felt it.




A tip of the proverbial cap to the always awesome Film Drunk.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

An Elevated Train Report: The Door Man

I ruve it, rhen ree touch...

** A quick note: For those who are old members of the site you will remember the "El Report" as one of our regular columns. The idea is that those of us who live in decaying, urban hell-holes have to take public transportation to get around. Naturally, these rides result in ridiculousness of all shapes, sizes and smells. Hence, the need to make fun of these experiences and people. Also, any person referred to is always a male because we know you beautiful woman would never do this shit.

Today we are discussing one of the most stubborn breeds of public transport users: The Door Man. You know him, you elbow him, you loathe him, but when given the opportunity you most likely become him. DM is the person who gets the pole position next to the door and refuses to give any of his precious real estate. The train could be crowded or it could be relatively empty, either way Door Knob here has worked hard to be in everyone's way and, damn it, that is right where he is going to stay.

Lose a Mom, Gain some new Daddys

Give me that cocktail...fruit!

In a seriously sad tale, 10 year-old Joseph McVay shot and killed his mother apparently because she asked him to do chores. While there is no report on how much cash young McVay demanded in allowance contract negotiations, I think we can assume his agent did not get him the number he was after.

TRIVIA TIME: Can you guess in which state a tragedy like this would occur? Answer later...

Unfortunately for Joseph, he killed his mom in a fit of rage and probably didn't mean it. As a result, he will be headed to some type of Sleepers situation at some god-forsaken juvie center. Of course, the kid did have six (!) guns in his room including a loaded rifle and 12-gauge so I think it is fair to say he was what your 88 year-old neighbor would call a "troubled youth." Best of luck JoJo, but I don't really think you deserve any.

TRIVIA ANSWER: Ohio (I see, said the blind man)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Coaaaaach's Corner

(...because Asians with boobs are sweet.)
The hottest athletes of all time...according to the retards at Bleacher Report. How Allison Stokke is not the unanimous #1 is beyond me.

Let me guess, this statue is somewhere inside the walls of the Vatican. (I truly am Bored)

How, how, how???? Is Mike Brown of his fucking rocker? "Only two winning records in the past 20 years" is ridiculously pathetic for a team with so much talent on the roster. Translation: your coach sucks and it is 100% his fault. (Bungles)

5 to 1 odds that men will make up 20% of the market share for these things, which by the way are AWESOME (Barstool Boston)

Per your request: a daily slice of Da Heights! This Bell dude must be something special.

This Guy Thought 2012 Was Terrible Too!

Add one more to the growing list of people that aren't fans of the movie 2012.  Harold Camping thinks you're crazy if you think the world is going to end in 2012.  Camping says "that date has not one stich of biblical authority."  One might think Ol' Harry is a pretty level guy with his ability to know a shitty movie when he sees it.  Not so fast my friend.  Harry's going to try to come out with a '5/21/2011' movie--"the real date for the end of times."

Monday, January 3, 2011

Technical Difficulties

Please excuse the lack of posts today, we are experiencing some problems here at the RTB Super-Secret, Awesome, Bad-Ass Headquarters (visit our new branch in Peoria!).

We expect to be up and running again later tonight or tomorrow...like you care.