Thursday, December 30, 2010

RTB Celebrates...Nicolas Cage

Find us a more fascinating Hollywood star. Here are just a few fun facts: Born Nicolas Coppola (nephew to Francis Ford Coppola). Changed his name to Cage (in honor of superhero Luke Cage) to avoid nepotism. Proposed to Patricia Arquette on the first day he met her. Buys castles (real castles) any chance he gets. Named his son Kal-el (Superman's real name). Trains in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Accrued massive tax debt. Currently has a handful of million dollar suits in the LA court system (some where he's the plaintiff, others the defendant). Oh, and he's got a couple Oscar nominations (one win). RTB loves this guy. We got his top 5 performances after the jump:

Typical Canadian Google Search: "Why do I eat Mud?"


A shocking report from the Center of the Earth today tells the demanding public that Canada's population is the most "web-addicted." I'm sorry, you must be talking about a nation different than the Canada we American's know. You can't be talking about the same Canada that uses horses in lieu of cop cars or produced mega-star Celine Dion, right? Here is a law that is on the books in a Canadian outpost called Edmonton: "All bicycle riders must signal with the arm before making a turn; a bicycle rider must keep both hands on the handlebars at all times." Eh?

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Meg Ohhh's Five O'clock Shadow

(....you're welcome)

There's nothing better than starting you evening off with a little dildo beating. Am I right ladies?

Which one is your favorite? I'm going with BillZilla's stupid pole trick at the 8:08 mark (Crusty FAILS)

Get the @#%& Away from My Organization: Oney Guillen. Keep your Spanglish mouth shut. (deadspin)

I guess those big-wigs on Capitol Hill were right, video games ARE dangerous. You think this guy caught any bugs for bonus points? (barstoolsports)

I wonder how the great Sean Penn will exploit this crisis for his own personal gain. Why can't people see Sean for the great humanitarian that he is? (Oh right: this, that and the other)

Yellow Fever is an epidemic...that you should want. (theCHIVE)

And of course....your daily slice of Da Heights!

Chicago Dog Kills Grass, Murderer Gets Probation


Ok, that headline is slightly misleading. Well, not really I guess. A few months back a South Side Chicago dog did relieve itself on some grass, thereby killing it. Unfortunately that grass was owned by Charles Clements, a 69 year-old kook who takes an uncomfortable amount of pride in his lawn. After Fido did his thing, Chuck confronted the pet's owner, father of three Joshua Funches, and informed him that his lawn was not to be tampered with. Sad, short story shorter: Funches told the old man to stick it, the old man popped his corks and killed Funches. This is where things get stupid...

Breaking: McNabb Is Screwed.


Remember when the Redskins were consistently hitting 10-win seasons and contending for Super Bowls? If you do, Happy Belated 40th Birthday. For the rest of us the Redskins are nothing more than a jokestore open for business all year. The ongoing drama with Donovan McNabb is just the latest in an awesome chain of horrible personnel decisions and even worse player management.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Manatee is safe at last



Simpson— that giant aquatic mammal with the flat, paddle-shaped tails — is swimming out of the chilly Gulf of Mexico waters and into warmer springs and power plant discharge canals. On Tuesday, she floated in the outflow of Tampa Electric's Big Bend Power Station.

"It's like a warm bathtub for her," said an environmental specialist at the power station's manatee viewing center. "They come in here and hang out and loll around."

And by "Power Station" I mean "Dunkin Donuts."

Full story here....or here depending on what type of manatee you want to read about.

Two for Tuesday: One More Mug Shot

First things first: based on looks alone, this guy should be doing 20 to life.  Somehow he slipped through the cracks and was walking the streets...until a few days ago.  Here's a shocker--Arthur John Sedille, pictured, is into fantasy games.  And here's an actual shocker (minus the sarcasm), this 23 year old stud is married--well he was married.  How did his fantasy game fetish lead to the demise of his wife?  Glad you asked.

A Mug in the Morning


Meet Joseph Hoffman. You can call him Joe, or by his soon to be nickname in the joint, Tinkerbell. The Hoff was arrested on Christmas morning on the rough and tumble Chicago North Side when he was passed out in the back of a cab, and as result therefrom"would not pay his fare."

I know what you are thinking: I certainly have passed out in a cab a few dozen times over the last few weeks, yet I have not been arrested. Right, lush, you have passed out in the back of a car driven by a complete stranger who may or may not take great pleasure in stealing your organs, then covering you in honey and finally leaving you at a bear farm in the middle of nowhere (they like honey, you see). But the difference between your situation and Joe's is that you didn't pass out while in possession of your mobile meth lab. Whoops.

Yeah, Tinkerbell is probably going away for a long time after the police searched his duffel bag "looking for identification" and found $448,000.00 worth of Meth apparently made on the go. To make matters slightly more severe, Hoff gave the coppers permission to search his home which only garnered 4 more felony counts for the poor guy. Again, whoops.

On the bright side, Supercuts is getting great free advertising from all of this.

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Franco's got Weed for Xmas.

I hate to keep hitting you with videos, but consider yourself hit-up. This is just a spectacular video from the guy who played the other guy who gnawed off his arm after slipping on a banana peel somewhere that resembles Nebraska (landscape majors please chime in, if you exist).



Let me tell you something, there are few things better than James Franco high on the pot messing around with a camera. One of those few things is apparently James Franco's brother, sister (?) and mom all tweaked to hell laughing at the vulgarity of the family matriarch.

Friday, December 24, 2010

A Festivus for the Rest of Us!


RTB celebrates Christmas every year, that is a flat-out fact. To you new readers finding your way here from the twitterverse, feel free to use this down time to catch up on the site and steel your mind for what is coming at you like a freight train.

See you Monday, gypsies....

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen: Joakim Noah

As you can tell, RTB has been trying to ramp up the Christmas Spirit in a poor attempt to get back to a simpler time. Yet, discussing gifts and Santa's approach have not quite pushed us over the mountain into Christmas bliss. Luckily, this poorly edited video from your Chicago Bulls singing (?) the Twelve Days of Hoops popped up and may have just done the trick.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Brett Favre Determined to Die on Field

Minneapolis (AP)--Looking back on Monday night, Brett Favre called it "a minor setback, just a bump in the road."  Maybe, but time is running out for the grizzly veteran to fulfill a dream.  For the past year, Favre has tried over and over again to leave it all out there on the field--literally. 

Beef and Brady? Hell Yeah!

In case you missed it, and judging by the TV ratings you did, there was a pretty good college football game last night between Louisville and Southern Miss. Hard to believe it's that time of year again where we all put on our favorite Beef O' Brady flat-brimmed cap and cheer for our favorite Conference USA team, but it is.

First off, I had no idea what the hell Beef O' Brady's was, but I always assumed it was some type of canned stew loaded with beef and sodium. Apparently it's a restaurant where you can go cheer on every Florida based team as long as you don't show a logo on any of your gear. As a bonus, if you are a semi-hot chick, you can bring your tuba. Seriously...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Some Links

For your afternoon pleasure, check out these links:

This is an old post but a new one for us.  It's a great read on Mt. Everest and the lives lost in attempting the climb.

I'm not sure if there's another NBA fan out there, but if there is--here's an interesting development on the Carmelo front.

Is sniffing another dog's butt going to be considered cheating for this couple? At least that wedding didn't turn out like this one...yikes

I'm pretty sure this guy drinks at bars by himself.

"They’re spending nights in their car, on the run from the same shadowy cabal—“the Hollywood Star Whackers”—who may have killed Heath Ledger, possibly sabotaged Jeremy Piven, and could now be targeting Lindsay Lohan."  Interested? Click here to find out what actor has lost it.

A video after the jump:

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Great Santa Gift Debate


"You're an idiot."
"I'm an idiot? Fine, but at least my mom isn't a whore."
"Dude, I seriously hate you."
"Yeah, I hate you too. One more thing though, your childhood was shit. Merry Christmas."

See, What Had Happened Was....


Finally, a punter to rival Ray "Stinkle's" kicking prowess has emerged. At the time of this post, New York Giant punter Matt Dodge is still somehow employed--so too is the Giants special teams coach--after one of the dumbest plays in NFL history.  That fact is almost as impressive as Mssr. Jackson's walk off house call. Moments after the game, Matt Dodge's twitter account was lambasted with Patton Oswalt wannabes.  Only problem is that the real Matt Dodge doesn't have a twitter handle.  Imagine the confusion for the fake Matt Dodge when he signed on and noticed scores of fans calling him a 'chode blaster' and suggesting witness protection.  This epic choke job in the Meadowlands yesterday got me thinking about one of my favorite collapses (I like to refer to it as a comeback though...)

Friday, December 17, 2010

You're Doing It Wrong



I have a great idea. Actually, strike that, I have a couple of great ideas.

Idea Number One: Put your apartment up for sale in the midst of the worst real estate crashes the country has seen in a few generations.
Idea Number Two: Drive to your nearest circus, distract the lion tamer just long enough to steal Barnum's multi-colored triangle banner from the 70's and attach said circus multi-colored triangle banner from the 70's to the facade of your building to draw in real-estate moguls looking for an apartment on the corner of Assault St. and With a Deadly Weapon Ln.

Do you like these ideas? No? Well, then in that case you probably aren't going to appreciate the hard work some dude invested in moving his piece of property...

An RTB Plea: Stop Going to Bars by Yourself

First off, this doesn't apply to you business folk who must fly solo at Applebees on the road-stay strong! We are talking directly to those people that wander into some establishment, saddle up to the bar, and start chirping. For one thing, your non-stop chatter with the bartender makes it harder for us to get drinks. Also, we really don't want you butting in on our conversations. Sidenote: why are these guys so clueless about sports? They love to chat you up, but they drop gems like, "can you believe the QB didn't get flagged for 3 seconds? He was in the pocket forever!" However, as annoying as these loud loners are, they aren't nearly as bad as their brethren: creepy bar guy.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Buy Some Love



Listen up handlesticks, Christmas is next week. Yeah, next week as in soon.

So, instead of hammering home your second advent calendar of the month, get to your local merchant and crack open your billfold because it's time to get your loved ones some sweet gifts that you plan on using for the foreseeable future. Traditionally, men get a ton of smack from our female counterparts about our inability to purchase solid gifts. But I have news for you pumpkin, you ain't the shiniest ornament on the fake tree (you overpaid for that last year, by the way). With the agreement that we are all genetically poor gifters due to innate selfishness, without further ado here is the Ultimate RTB Guide to Gifts for Men 2010:

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Terrible Movies: 2012

We'll be bringing you something like this every once in a while. RTB knows that you have better things to do than watch a crappy movie--we don't. We'll do the leg work and give you a nice recap. You just relax, and thank your lucky stars that we just saved you a couple hours of your life.

There are two types of people in the world: those that love 'end of the world' flicks and those that don't. I used to be able to sit back, enjoy the special effects, ignore slightly ridiculous plots, and just have a grand ol' 2 hours. Not anymore. To steal a phrase from an RTB reader, 2012 'changed the game.'

How We Fit

We don't, really.

In a world of thousands of blogs and hundreds of really, really good ones honed in on specific topics with fancy photoshopped headers, RTB is here on a basic format dropping thoughts on pretty much everything. Our demeanor will range from somewhat serious to somewhat seriously funny with the overall hope we will get some regular readers and have the ability to keep them.

Our target reader is anyone, at any time, with any interest in any subject not related to Twilight. Are we jacks of all trades, masters of none? Sure. Will we be writing some things that you haven't thought of or couldn't throw down on paper yourself? Probably not. But there in lies the beauty of RTB - dudes being dudes is a solid read.

Also, we will be giving out free punch and pie on Fridays. So...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

We're Back

Dear loyal reader(s):

You read that right.  RTB has decided to come out of retirement.  This is the new and improved RTB-we have no idea what happened to the previous one.  According to the internets, we never existed.  That's why we're back with the same address. 

A lot has happened since RTB last roamed the world wide web: half of RTB became a proud papa to a baby girl, the other half got hitched after a series of escalating dares, a sort-of black guy was elected president, Duke won a national championship, and Joren Van der Sloot tied OJ in the body count department among other things.

We're not going to pretend to be something we're not.  No more rapid fire posts.  We're cutting fat and delivering more meat, ya dig?  We should manage a post or two a day, but don't write your congressman if we skip a day here and there. 

We're still working out some kinks with the new layout.  After our click fraud fiasco, don't expect to see a ton of ads littering this place unless we need gambling money.  What we want out of you is to enjoy yourselves here, and feel free to comment as much as you want.  It's good to be back!

Photo source